You can’t move forward without letting go

There isn’t enough money to be made in research for happiness and long term relationships so we often have to borrow from research that is done to make sure we all spend a ton of money on Black Friday on crap we don’t need.  Status Quo Bias is a theory on how we measure worth, value and happiness. Status quo bias means that we place a higher value on something that we have than on some future thing.  What we have is important to us and we hate giving up what we have.  In the world of finance, stocks we own we hate to sell because, not because of their logical value but our sense of their value because we own them. This is why some people get seduced by nostalgia and begin to long for some false “good old days” when families were happier and life was simpler.  We have to give up a great deal of status quo to deal with social inequities between races and between the sexes.  “Good old day” families had a higher rate of domestic violence and child abuse.  Sometimes we have to tear things apart to make things stronger.

Change is often experienced as loss.  In our relationships, we miss what we used to have more than we value what we have gained.  We remember being in love, dating, getting married, romance and even being single with a distorted sense of value and we forget that there were things we had to move past to get to the long term values of family and commitment and stability and the deeper sense of intimacy and trust that only comes with time.

I am clear that 20 year old me would be totally impressed with the life that I have.  I know that everything I hoped for and more has happened in the 15 years since I got married.Change is often experienced as loss.  In our relationships, we miss what we used to have more than we value what we have gained.  We remember being in love, dating, getting married, romance and even being single with a distorted sense of value and we forget that there were things we had to move past to get to the long term values of family and commitment and stability and the deeper sense of intimacy and trust that only comes with time.  I have a beautiful home and a great professional life and two more amazing kids and a husband who helps it all happen- we  make an amazing team.  And it is hard and lonely and frustrating and there are moments I hate and there are things I didn’t see coming and marriage has revealed things about him and things about me that surprise and at times disappoint me.  Life is life.  The great wonderful big things come wrapped up in lots of mundane and irritating life things.

When faced with big decisions will often choose to maintain the status quo, afraid that movement might mean loss rather than see opportunities that lie in our future.  Marriage counseling is like this.  Many people are afraid that talking about their relationship will rock the boat or shake things up. Many people will only seek help when things are terrible rather than pursuing personal development or enrichment.

I wonder what the next 15 years will bring.  What will I have to lose in order to gain what is better than I can imagine?  Isn’t this how aging occurs?  I know in my 50s that I am wiser and calmer and happier and fatter and slower and greyer… there are things that I have lost but the things that I gain continue to amaze me.
This week- Consider the things that you miss.  Consider what life was like 5 years ago that you wish you could recover.  Think about being single.  What did you get to do that you miss?  Just face some of it.  Think about what really matters.  It may be that you accidentally let go of something that you can and should recover.  Being a parent, being married, growing older doesn’t have to mean a debilitating list of losses.  Just let go of the stuff you don’t need anymore and make some room for what really matters to you.