Ode to 33 Years of Active Duty Parenting

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For the longest time I have told people that I have one grown son and two littles. The two “littles” turn 14 and 16 this week… are both taller than I am and if all goes as planned, one “little” will be a licensed driver in 4 days. (I think we’re all counting.)

Each year on their birthday week I get to reflect on my parenting journey. My oldest was 18 and mostly launched when I started over…knowing full well just how hard and wonderful parenting could be.

Here’s what I know. The first 5 years are the hardest. They are exhausting and even if you have babysitters or nannies or involved grandmothers or daycare… you can’t really get a brake. You are their world. It is all on you. (I mean both of you if you are lucky enough to have a parenting partner.) The first 5 years are also your trial by fire. You have no way of being ready for the enormous emotional labor that parenting is. All your crap about attachment and identity and freedom are challenged. You never feel like you are doing enough or getting it right. And you have never loved or been loved as deeply. The first 5 years matter so much, how can it possibly make sense that you have to do them with so little training?

The school age years are long… and redundant. And you say the same thing over and over again. You tell them to put on their shoes, hang up their coat, close the door, turn off the light, go to sleep…oh please go to sleep, stop, hurry up, put that down, you cannot talk to me like that. There is school and vacation and weekends and sports and friends… and you hardly notice that at some point you don’t have to tell them to tie their shoes and they more often than not do hang up their coats and that they know math…math that you can’t help them with anymore.

Middle school years are hard on parents because we all remember being that age, and it scares us. We want more for our kids but also know they have to make their own way. You can’t fix who they sit with at lunch or protect them from making a fool of themselves over their first crush or handle the mean teachers or even protect them from having embarrassing parents who absolutely do not understand them. That too is part of the journey. There will be tears and temper tantrums… often as many from you as from them. They move away. They have an inner life and secrets and handle things without you. They want you close…but not too close… and you can comfort them but only when and how they choose. (Still room in Saturday’s class.)

High school is a crap shoot. Sorry- I won’t make promises I can’t keep. The best part? Your freedom. No more babysitters. No more sleepless nights. No more temper tantrums. No more play dates. The rough spots? Bigger kids, bigger problems. Your kid may be a great student or great athlete or show amazing leadership skills or find their passion or have tons of friends. This does not mean you did it right. Your kid might struggle with drugs or mental health struggles, or suck at school, or not find their tribe or be a bit weird or pull so far away it scares you. This does not mean you did it wrong.

Raising kids means creating people. People are complicated. Babies are hard but they aren’t very complicated. I used to do foster care for babies… each week a new one got dropped off by a stork wearing a police uniform. They had complicated lives, but they were babies. I didn’t need much backstory to comfort them.

Parenting teenagers is totally about trust and letting go. I don’t know what lies ahead for my kids. When reflecting on those tough years with my first his greatest compliment to me was “No matter what, I always knew you had my back.” That is all I can ask for as a parent… I did my best.

My favorite part of parenting is really this last stage… this is the dessert stage of life. I could never have imagined how great parenting an adult could be. It is like having a retirement account- all those years of making sacrifices to build something so someday you can rest and collect on your investment.

Parenting really isn’t about raising children, it is about taking on the world’s most challenging self improvement course. They will ask you to be more than you ever thought you could be. They will force you to face your demons. They will call you to be a better person than you thought you were. They will hold a microscope up to your short comings. And mostly they will grow your heart in ways you cannot imagine!

Maureen