You aren’t fooling anyone! Quit trying

You are a terrible liar. At least I hope you are. People that are good liars are rare and kind of dangerous.

I hear it everyday- people not wanting other people to think something, know something about them. Hiding the things that we don’t think others will like.

When people try to hide stuff from us, try to protect us from the truth- we can tell. We don’t quite know what’s going on but we know something…and we don’t trust them, we get careful.

Remember, the research says that kids lie. And the number one reason that they lie is that they don’t want to upset or hurt anyone. And the best approach to kids lying is to create an environment where honesty is honored and safe. Where we are big enough to handle the truth.

I strongly believe that most often our toughest choice with the people we care about is whether to be nice or be honest. I work hard on not being nice at the cost of being honest especially with the people that mean the most to me.

Here are some of the kind of situations I see most often in my office.

I don’t want them to think I am being difficult… admit it, you might actually be difficult.

I don’t want him to think I am mad at him….even though I am furious and my feelings are valid.

I don’t mean to be a jerk/bitch/ass…but my foul mood is hard to hide.

No offense but…I have something to say that you are going to hate.

It isn’t that I don’t want to but… I really don’t want to and hope you won’t make me.

I’m not judging your choices but… what the hell are you thinking? Really??

Think about it.  I suppose these would be what we consider “white lies”… a trivial, diplomatic or well-intentioned untruth.

Do we want “diplomatic” relationships? Ok, when we say things like “do these pants make me look fat?” we might be asking for diplomacy but who asks that? We want truth from people because truth gives us security and intimacy. Hard things to say are the most valuable things to say.

In our families we should focus on creating a space where people feel free to tell us tough things, show us their ugliness, be real with us. And the best way to do that is play bold- be yourself. No hiding out.