Divorce Musings- Not all problems are created equally

I am putting my butt in the chair again, committed to writing another the Marriage Geek’s book about divorce.  I hate book writing but I love having a book…so back to work.

Early in my marriage, starting private practice I became obsessed with marriage research.  I wanted to understand how marriage worked and why it was so hard. I was hoping that understanding marriage would help me be successful both as a partner and a marriage counselor. 17 years later, the more I learn, the less I know.

We live in a culture that frames marriage as good for people, the bedrock of society and divorce as a sign of moral failure and selfishness that destroys children and undermines our country’s core values. That just never worked for me. I don’t see divorce as selfish. I don’t see people treating their marriages as disposable. I see people struggling and suffering and desperate to find a way to save their marriages. I see divorce as painful but not necessarily destructive.

While writing, I have had to take a critical look at the role marriage counseling has played in supporting this negative view of divorce, keeping people stuck through feeding the fears and guilt.

When couples come into my office, as we say “on the brink” of divorce I ask them to give me 4 months and tell them that we will either create a better marriage or a better divorce. I always try and address that second path respectfully, separating the science from the morality. I think the decision to divorce can be healing and powerful, a choice to save the love and respect in a family, a decision to do what really is best for your kids.

I’ll be honest- not all problems are created equally.  I have some great marriage counseling skills and some pretty glaring limitations. People can come to me with years of frustration and anger, with deeply embedded patterns. They have tried everything they can think of, read the books, listened to tons of advice and have no idea if this “hard work” is the “hard work” marriage is meant to be.

Here’s the stuff I don’t know.

I don’t know how to help if your partner is sure that you are the problem.

I don’t know how to help if your partner never really loved you.

I don’t know how to help if your partner is certain that they don’t love you anymore.

I don’t know how to help if your partner thinks that you are not a good person.

I don’t know how to help if your partner doesn’t know how to forgive you.

I don’t know how to help you if you and your partner cannot come to a shared goal of what your relationship should look like.  

I don’t know how to help if your partner wants to keep their addiction or refuses to get help with their mental health struggles.

Stuff I am really good at doing-

I know how to identifying your  bad conflict pattern and give you a new way to fight.

I know how to show you how your attempts to deepen your connection aren’t working and offer some great alternatives.

I know how to revisit conversations that went terribly wrong or you forgot to have.

I know how to get past blame and criticism so you can talk partnership.

I know how to help you come to some tough decisions without sacrificing your core values.

I know how to help you get past defensiveness and hear each other again.

Sometimes I even know if this is the right kind of “hard work”.

Here’s the thing though…even if I don’t know how to help, it doesn’t make your decision for you. The more I learn, the more I read, the more I talk to people both professionally and personally, the more I have no idea how anyone decides to stay or go. Maybe religion says that divorce is “wrong” but the research isn’t so sure. Divorce gets us out of one mess and into another. Getting divorced is hard but being divorced is pretty easy. Kids are almost always sad when their parents get divorced but that isn’t the same thing as being damaged. Just like marriage, divorce can be selfish or it can be extraordinarily brave.