Having “the talk” with your kids…about race
A few years ago, I was at a parade in my mother’s small Wisconsin town and my then 10 year old niece asked me what it was like for me to be somewhere where all the faces were like mine-white. You see she’s black and I and every single other face at the parade were white. Of course I had noticed. Did I really think she hadn’t? I only regret that I hadn’t initiated that wonderful discussion.
Please talk to your (mostly white) kids about racism. Parents of black kids sure are. We cannot raise our (white) kids to be color blind in a world that is not. “We are all equal” denies a whole lot of reality our kids are immersed in.
Children are profoundly just. They want life to be fair. They feel enormous compassion. They care deeply about how people are treated. They are learning to make sense of the world and put names on things and categorize. They are also developmentally prone to pick a group and have a strong preference for that group. (Boys rule/girls drool). Do not leave it to the world to teach them about race.
The biggest mistake that well meaning liberal parents make is to assume that their kids are safe from prejudice. They often wait until kids attitudes are fully formed to even bring up things like race. For many of us, our parents had to struggle to figure out how to talk to kids about sex and drugs. There were even public service announcements and classes at school for parents. We need some of that around race.
It is kind of the same as talking about sex. Admit that you uncomfortable. Give them age appropriate information. Allow lots of room for their questions. Point things out in the media, the news, and your neighborhood.
All of our children have positions of privilege. Point these out to your kids. Not in a “there are children starving in Africa” kind of way. Not to shut them up or make them appreciate what they have. That doesn’t work out very well. Even things like the nut free zone at school can be a touch point- some kids have life threatening allergies and that sucks. Try initiating a discussion- What would it feel like to have people at the store not trust you because of your skin color? How would it feel to live in a neighborhood where you were the only white person? What would you do if someone didn’t want to be your friend because of who your parents are? What would it be like to have to go to school from a homeless shelter? Just give some reflection.
And while you’re at it… tell them about our rape culture. Tell them about sexism and classism and homophobia. Talk about Christmas and the presumption that everyone is a Christian. Extra credit for addressing the transgender youth sports issue, fat shaming and agism.
12/4/14
Maureen