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Everyone Else Seems to Have Their Shit Together

Everyone on Facebook seems so happy. They don’t fight with their kids or get frustrated with their partners. Their mothers don’t make them crazy and they still fit in their jeans. The people on Facebook pay their bills on time and eat home cooked, nutritious gourmet meals every day. And they have clean bathrooms… ok, maybe nobody has clean bathrooms on FB…but they sure look like they could have clean bathrooms.

Nobody on Facebook is depressed. Nobody on Facebook is crippled by anxiety or self doubt. Nobody on Facebook is exhausted by the intrusive, frightening thoughts they can’t shake off.Everyone on Facebook drinks just the right amount of wine for it to not be a problem. Nobody on Facebook has insane hormonal mood swings or anger problems. Nobody on Facebook is horrible to their partner. Nobody on Facebook thinks maybe they should never have had kids.

I spent the day at the 8th annual Beyond the Baby Blues Conference… wonderful in every way. The hardest part of my job is that I cannot help people if they don’t come in. The conversation always comes back to how can we make it safer, easier for people to ask for help?

We need to really check in with new parents. Ask them how they’re doing. Ask them about the best of being a parent and the worst, the joys and the disappointments. We have to make it safe to talk about how complicated it can be.

Most people don’t know that thinking about suicide is common.  Thinking about suicide isn’t dangerous. Thinking about suicide is a symptom- like a high fever. It means you need help. It means it is serious.  It means something has to change. No one talks about having had thoughts of suicide and getting better.  If you got through your struggles with suicidal thoughts- you are a survivor and an inspiration.

Most people don’t know just how common anxiety is for women during pregnancy and postpartum. No one talks about the thoughts that scare you, the nightmare running through your head. No one tells you that your brain can get stuck but that it can also get unstuck. If you got through your intrusive thoughts, your are a survivor and an inspiration.

Did you know that 40% of new mothers struggling with mood issues will turn to drugs and alcohol, just trying to feel better. If you found another way, if you found a way out of the darkness and got help you are a survivor and an inspiration.

Did you know that no one has been asking dads how they feel postpartum? Did you know that when we ask we find that they are stressed out and worried and feel burdened with responsibility and that many of them aren’t having any fun and aren’t sure they’re cut out for fatherhood? Did you know that most fathers who are struggling will never tell anyone? If you got to the other side, if you have found a way to be a dad and be proud of yourself, you are a survivor and a inspiration.

We need to get honest. In our darkest hours it is nearly impossible to speak about the pain. And then the pain recedes, and we want to forget. But those of us who have struggled have the best chance of lighting the way for the one’s struggling now.

I look great on Facebook and I struggle. My jeans don’t fit and my bathrooms are filthy…and my biggest struggles are in the rearview mirror but I remember.

Maureen

ps. know someone who needs help? Always feel free to email…I can always help you find services.