Thanks for putting up with me- it’s been 7 years!
On August 21, 2008 I had the crazy/brave idea to start Notes from a Marriage Geek. (September 2009 I started the FB page.) Most Thursdays I waiver between inspired and freaked out about getting this out to you all.
7 years of writing have given me both a voice and an audience. I love how much I have been challenged and grown since that first post. Here it is- an oldie but a goodie..just like me.
Why Marriage?
I love marriage. I really am a marriage geek. I read everything, I am on listserves, I have the Smartmarriage bumper sticker on my van. I spent 5 days recently at their conference in San Francisco and actually went to all the sessions. I love marriage – from an intellectual and professional perspective but personally, it scares me to death.
I ask my clients questions – about their desires, their fears, their anger that I do not ask my husband. I honestly want to know everything my clients are feeling and not everything my husband is feeling. If my clients confess that they have doubts about the stability or viability of their relationship, I assure them that all problems can be solved, that I have faith in their love and commitment. I believe heart and soul that marriages fail when one person gives up hope and because my clients are in my office, I assume that hope is still alive.
When my husband shares his concerns or his feelings, I can’t help but panic. No amount of professional training protects you from fear of abandonment or fear of rejection. For the most part men fear rejection, women fear abandonment. I am clearly all girl when we fight. Women tell me all the time that they just want their husbands to tell them how they feel. I don’t believe it. Mostly we want to hear how they feel about us and we want to hear the good stuff.
After reading “Hold Me Tight” by Susan Johnson I see marriage as a primary attachment relationship. This means we fear abandonment and rejection from our spouses with the intensity that a child fears the loss of a parent or the loss of a parent’s love. No matter how much I adore my kids, there are days… well you know. However, I would never tell them that I am not sure about my love for them. I would never tell them that I was considering not being their mom. I would never consider whether they were really the right child for me or whether they were truly living up to my expectations of them as my children. Those crazy thoughts may cross my mind on “those days” but those words never cross my lips. Not to them and not to anyone. I love them. I try to love them more on the days that they act like they deserve it the least.
Marriage works best when we feel safe and connected so create security and connection.never threaten to leave or divorce your partner, those words cannot be taken backnever tell your partner that you aren’t in love or aren’t sure if you love them anymorewhen you say I love you, look into your partner’s eyeswhen you kiss them, knock their socks
This week focus on appreciating your partner.
Remember that appreciation is not saying thank you, appreciation is an emotion, the feeling of counting your blessings. It is holding the one you love in your heart and knowing that life is better because you have each other. The good news about appreciation is that it’s not only good for your marriage but it makes you feel good, too. It lowers stress and fights depression.