Ashley Madison and other Online Scams
This isn’t the first time Ashley Madison has hit the news. I wish I had their PR person. AM is naughty and people are obsessed with it- it is titillating, raunchy, dangerous and we can’t help but look.
As the Marriage Geek- I have a long history of being intrigued with the messy world of relationships. Remember that silly Pina Colada Song (1979!)? I wasn’t even old enough to have sex yet and I remember how exciting/touching it was that the couple wanting to have an affair (re)found each other in the end.
The first time Ashley Madison came on my radar was the news that the #1 day for women to sign into the website that helps married people hook up was the day after Valentine’s Day. Supposedly, pissed off and disappointed- a lousy convenience store card can be the tipping point for women who had so far remained faithful. (Women, unlike men, don’t have to pay for their accounts.) Funny thing is- according to Wikipedia, only 1% of accounts created by women last more than a day. I’m sure the marketing sales force isn’t pushing that information.
Then I heard that the zip code with the highest number of members in MN is mine! Apple Valley, an enclave of conservatism, patriotism and church going also has a lot of sneaking husbands. I haven’t actually had anyone admit in session that they’ve used it but I hear some “I have a friend who…”
Now AM is in the news again of course- someone figured out that hacking the site would be a great crowd funding opportunity. Looks like lots of powerful email addresses were on the list of members. Politicians, military, government, education… using their work emails for nonwork related business!
Just a couple of math problems here- how many men are meeting women on this site if only 1% of women were on for more than a day? 31 million male accounts/ 5.5 million female accounts. 20 million users of male accounts checked their messages, only 1,492 users of female accounts did, and while 11 million users of male accounts used the chat system, only 2,409 users of female ones did. Are these guys all talking to the same 4 women or are they talking to each other?
Obviously lots of people are getting rich off of our messy relationship between the sex we have and the sex we wish we had. Then there is the multimillion dollar porn industry and its negative impact on married men’s sexual health.
When couples take a vow of fidelity no one talks to them about how they plan on keeping that vow. No one asks if they really believe in monogamy. There is no discussion about the definition of cheating. Is porn cheating? Is an emotional relationship cheating? Can you flirt? Kiss? No one talks to them about the truth that it is very possible that lines will get crossed- lines that you maybe didn’t even know were there.
Is cheating a deal breaker? Almost all newlyweds think it is but when an affair is revealed in the complicated real world of relationships and mortgages and kids and commitment… almost nothing is that cut and dry. Your partner, who betrayed you is also the person you love deeply and share a whole life with.
I don’t have answers- I am not going to fix this problem for anyone. Our world is changing fast but social pressure to conform to a traditional definition of marriage haven’t adjusted.There is what we think we are supposed to be, supposed to want- as men, as women, as parents, as moral beings. Then we have what we are attracted to, what is exciting, what is for sale on the internet. What they’re selling is so tempting, so easy.
One of the most reliable surveys ever done on divorce found that 80% of divorced men and women said their marriage broke up because they gradually grew apart and lost a sense of closeness, or because they did not feel loved and appreciated, not because of infidelity.
The internet sells get rich quick schemes, miracle weight loss pills, and free money from long lost relatives. It offers ways to numb out and disconnect and feel better…for now. It sells sex without risk, affairs that hurt no one. Don’t fall for the trap. Having a healthy rich sex life isn’t any easier than getting out of debt or building a career or losing weight or being happy. All I can recommend is more intimacy, more honesty, more risk. There is no easy fix.