Asking is Super Scary

Left to my own devices I can get pulled into the abyss that is my own thinking so I listen to library books on my phone.  I like having someone else’s voice in my head while walking and driving- especially someone inspiring and entertaining.

I just finished Amanda Palmer’s The Art of Asking-How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help. Amanda is rock star, crowdfunding pioneer, and TED speaker. She also happens to be married to writer Neil Gaiman. The book is about asking for help, about being vulnerable, about trusting people and about living entically. In lots of great ways it is about modern marriage.  I strongly recommend the audiobook because you get to spend all that time with Amanda’s voice in your head and she shares a bunch of her music.

If I were in charge of building powerful marriages I would make people ask 100 times a day. We build attachment with our kids because they need us, they have to ask. Like our kids, we should come to the table asking for stuff and being open to creative negotiation. We should understand that no is an acceptable response. We should find the joy in being generous with yes. It isn’t just in bed that we need to ask for what we need and teach our partners how to make us happy.

Honorably asking means being able to hear no. If you ask for 12 things a day and get 6 yeses… that’s a good day. If you only ask for 2 things, if you wait and pick the 2 things that you really, really want… you aren’t really asking- you are demanding. You don’t have space for a no if you only ask for the most important things.

Asking is scary. Asking is vulnerable. If you ask, it means you have needs, it means that other people matter to you.  Asking forces you to lean on others. If you ask you face the possibility of being hurt or disappointed, rejected even. Not asking is so much safer.

I am working on this one. It is easier to ask strangers than those I love. It is easier to ask for stuff that doesn’t matter than the stuff I really want. It is easier to do it myself until I get resentful and overwhelmed. It is easier to be fiercely independent than powerfully connected. I have learned to notice when there is a request stuck in my throat or when I am drowning in my independence. I have learned to admit how hard it is to ask.  I know that just because I love to be vulnerable and naked with my fans doesn’t mean that I am being honest with the people that love me.

Asking takes courage. Be bold. Be brave.

Maureen