Attachment Wounds Pt 3

Attachment Wounds Pt 3

If all goes well in life, you get to navigate relationships from a position of secure attachment. If your childhood experiences or messed up adult relationships have screwed up that attachment you get anxious or dismissive, preoccupied or avoidant or some messed up combination of these are your relationship baggage. Intimacy scares you or emotions and needs scare you. Because you are terrified of being hurt you either run or clutch tight.

I have always felt that jealousy and insecurity = weakness. “I don’t have a jealous bone in my body” I like to brag. Now I can see how caring enough about something to fear losing it is extraordinarily vulnerable (and scares the sh#t our of me.)  Where I have been working on being courageous with my discomfort in needing the people I love, the other side of the coin is how hard it can be to have a more anxious style where the discomfort is more about fear of abandonment or loss of love. The fear of loss, insecurity, distrust, and doubt that will not be quieted can be tough on a relationship and also tough on parenting.

For many people anxiety is the hardest part of becoming a parent. Video monitors, car seats, baby proofing can’t protect you from the fear of something bad happening to this tiny new person who has stolen your heart.  Then they get bigger and the vulnerability is that they might not love you. They might even “HATE” you. And they might end up in therapy complaining about you. An Anxious Attachment style looks for promises that nothing will go wrong.

Without a strong center, a clear sense that you can manage your needs in a healthy way, with healthy loving relationships you go into parenting disadvantaged. Dismissive and you might struggle with the enormous emotional needs of your kids. Anxious and you might struggle with setting limits or managing conflict. On one hand you ask too much of your kids at the same time asking too little. Parents lacking this strong core often have unreasonable expectations of their own behavior- “I will never disappoint my kids, I won’t be that kind of parent”. And when you fail to meet those expectations the shame bounces around damaging everyone.

The relationships you are building with your partner and with your kids is the most amazing opportunity to uncover and heal attachment wounds. The tough work is to watch for your trigger. Learn from your mistake. Notice your patterns. Ask for help. Admit your struggles. Breath. Read more. Feel more. Practice self compassion. Practice compassion with those you love. Build trust. Set limits. Go deeper. This is the work of loving, the work of family. What could matter more?

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