Love with a Big Heart…and a Strong Backbone!

I occasionally get pulled into internet arguments defending positive parenting. This week another therapist was ranting about what she considered lazy, under parenting that was basically child neglect.

I get frustrated with people quick to judge parents who are trying to do something different…but you know it isn’t that easy. We all know that there are parents out there who are practicing positive parenting or attachment parenting or free range parenting giving us a bad name. Every time some parent uses their parenting philosophy to rescue their kid or make excuses for their bad behavior the world gets to roll their eyes.

Let me clarify something. The research says the best form of parenting is authoritative…not authoritarian… this is my Obi Wan versus Darth Vader leadership styles. https://www.marriagegeek.com/darth-vader-moments

https://www.marriagegeek.com/darth  

Now lots of people are doing Darth Vader and calling it something else, but lots of people are also under parenting and calling it a choice. Authoritative means we as parents accept the huge responsibility for being the adult guide in our child’s lives, the loving, gentle voice of authority. We don’t push consequences onto our kids, we allow them to happen. We create environments where success is possible and keep our kids from situations that they are not ready for.

Great positive parenting is the perfect balance of heart and backbone. We must hold our children dear and love them unconditionally and see all that they can be. We must hold firm and be clear and set limits and see all that they can be.

Most parents lean too far in, or too far out…or they kind of sway back and forth sometimes over doing it, sometimes under responding.

Too much heart? Do you struggle being tough? Do you want them not to be sad? Do you hate it when they are disappointed? Do you struggle to trust that they can feel loved when you are firm? Did your parents maybe not get you or honor your feelings? Are you afraid of that you might damage your attachment if you take care of your own needs and feelings? You might be forgetting to work on your backbone.

Too much backbone? Do you struggle to step in? Do you want to make sure they learn? Do you hate backtalk or whining or tears? Do you struggle to trust that they will grow up to be amazing adults because they are already amazing people? Did your parents never let anything go? Are you afraid your kids will be spoiled or indulgent or disrespectful? You might want to work on your heart.

Working on your backbone means picking some battles. It means pissing them off…not just to piss them off but because your needs and feelings matter too. It means biting your tongue and sitting on your hands and watching them struggle… open heartedly…but certain that this is the path to growth.

Working on your heart means embracing compassion. It means letting it go. It means biting your tongue and taking a deep breathe and a parenting time out before deciding just how serious it is. It means trusting that there is strength in loving and patience.

The world needs us to show them the value of loving our kids without harshness, of high expectations with room for lots of screwing up.