Do These Pants Make My A$$ Look Big?

And Other Stupid Marriage Fights

“I want to be able to take feedback from the people I love.”

I was talking with a couple in my office this week about shame and the Brene Brown Netflix special- “The Call to Courage”.  We were talking about how the brain reacts to the perceived threat of criticism.  This is something I have done a ton of personal work around.

“I want to be able to take feedback from the people I love.”

As those words were coming out of my mouth, my body reacted. It balked. It cussed me out, argued against me. My body wanted to say “I NEVER want to hear criticism from the people I love”.

Even my client saw it happen. We laughed but it was weird.

Both are true.

I want to be able to take feedback from the people I love because they are my best teachers and I know that I am not perfect and growth comes from feedback and hearing the feedback isn’t dangerous and I don’t have to change to be loved and the people I love want me to be even more amazing.

I NEVER want to hear criticism from the people I love because they need to love me unconditionally and they should see how hard I am trying and they should protect me from harm and I already know how much I suck and am doing my best to work on it and hearing the feedback breaks my heart and I don’t have to change to be loved and the people I love want me to be happy.

If it were time to pick a superpower, I would never pick mind reading. I already do too much of it as it is and for sure I do not want to know what people think of me…not like all the time, all the people. I want them to tell me all the great stuff, the appreciation, the adoration, and maybe just a tiny bit of the bad stuff.

Please tell me if I hurt your feelings. I can’t promise that I will won’t get defensive but I will work on hearing you.

Please tell me if you are concerned about the way our relationship is heading. I can’t promise that it won’t scare the fuck out of me but I will work on hearing you.

Please tell me if your needs are not being met. I can’t promise that I won’t be hurt and feel like I am not enough but I will work on hearing you.

Please tell me if there is something you need me to know. I can’t promise to be ready for it and be proud of you for being brave but I will work on hearing you.

Please do not tell me if my pants make my ass look big. I will try not to ask things that feel like traps.

Michele Michaelson and I completed our family mediation training with Transformative Mediation guru  Dan Simon. We were thrilled with the model and see how well it dovetails with our philosophy of marriage counseling. Stay tuned! We hope to be adding mediation services to our menu by fall.