Building a Strong Home Base…because the people you love make you crazy

Joey and I had a rough morning. He missed the bus because he was bugging his brother and his new amazing Nike socks actually take time to get on and his glasses weren’t where he left them. He was screwing around and teasing me. He was being 13.

I as trying to get both boys out the door while doing my paperwork and scheduling the next few days of meetings. I was in my head and leaning into a crazy day.

I got frustrated. I did the one thing I hate to do as a mom- I dropped him off at school when both of us were kind of pissed off. I was able to take a deep breath and say “have a great day”…but it was half hearted. By the time I drove home, I had shaken off the tension and I sure hope he was able to shake it off before first period. Honestly- I guarantee you he was able to shake it off as fast as I did.

It was a bump.  It was a disconnect inside of a hugely connected and healthy relationship. We both found our way back to home base.

Years ago I read research that said that the average couple had 8 fights a day. Really- that’s the average. Now they count everything. Basically 4 times a day your partner thinks you’re an idiot or mean and 4 times you think they are. Yeah, counting that way sometimes I am “fighting” with my husband when he isn’t even home.

When I work with couples I teach them that rather than focusing on not fighting, we need to focus on recovering faster. A couple that fights 8x a day and stays disconnected for a few minutes is in great shape.  A couple that fights 8x a day and stays disconnected for hours, even days at a time, is in trouble.

Living with people means pissing them off, getting in their way, disappointing them. In our attachment relationships- in our marriages and with our kids, we need to know that we can fight and still be safe. We need to know that people will be there when we need them, even if we aren’t perfect.

We need to build a strong home base. The place we are safe. We need to teach our kids that they can come back to us, even when things are rocky.

Families with a strong home base apologize. Easily. Without drama. In this family it is ok to make mistakes.

Families with a strong home base take (appropriate) responsibility. Part of the disconnect is your responsibility. Being authentic means you sometimes aren’t sorry but you still hate the fighting.

Families with a strong home base touch. Physically express that you are there, that you have their back.

Families with a strong home base laugh. How serious can the fight be if we are able to laugh again.

Families with a strong home base feel real. Express your honest frustration, your hurt, your stress.

Families with a strong home base name it. “I hate feeling disconnected” or ”you seem really distant” can bridge the gap.

In all relationships there are three simple dance moves.

We can chase. We can run. Or we can stand.

For many of us, in our family of origin fighting was all about blame. Someone had to be wrong. “You make me so mad”. “If you hadn’t….”  Being right is a position of power and seldom allowed to children, sometimes not allowed to wives. We have to decide if we are RIGHT which gives us a leg up on the people we love or WRONG which feels like hell. When we chase we work hard at making sure that the other person knows how we feel, accepts our view, agrees with us. We MAKE THEM SEE.

Most of us were taught to disconnect, go to our rooms, take our feelings away from the relationship. It wasn’t safe to expect to be comforted when there had been a disagreement. We weren’t going to be heard. No one cared what our side of it was. When we run we leave the other person alone. We sulk. We pout. We carry on the fight silently in our head. We kill off the connection alone.

In a healthy relationship, when there is disconnect or a fight we stand right in the middle of the connection- always committed to being present, being loving, being real. We don’t have to win. We don’t have to lose. We don’t have to agree. We stand for our relationship even when things get messy.

Now most of us are still going to chase or run when we’re upset. That is the disconnect. With my kids I get a little mean, a little “MAKE THEM SEE” when I am frustrated. With my partner, I am often tempted to pull away and have my fight alone…where I am always right. Knee jerk reactions to conflict are normal. They were formed when we were kids. This is that whole fight or flight thing.

But the people we love aren’t a war. The people we love aren’t dangerous. As soon as we realize that we have attacked or fled, we need to get back to home base. Growth happens in how fast, how well we can return to a place of connection. Because when we do that well, it gets so much easier to bump into each other, be ourselves and screw up.