Lessons Learned at Summer Camp

Oh great- the kids are teaching me life lessons again.

Bear with me, the backstory of how I got myself into my current mess goes back in time.

6 years ago I took my boys (6 and 8) with me to visit their cousins at YMCA sleepover camp.

Wait- it goes back farther than that. I didn’t go to sleepover camp. I had a couple of nights of Girl Scouts camping but as the oldest of 5, every decision my parents made included some calculation of how much it would cost over time x5 to be fair…and camp didn’t make the cut. I don’t think I wanted to go to camp but years later, when my youngest sibling started sleepover HORSE camp I felt that sibling rivalry tug hard.

Back to this century. I hadn’t really given camp much thought for my kids. They were super attached and still very little. We walked through the bunkhouses full of unruly campers and my 8 year old turned to me and said “I want to go here!” My shy, sweet, never slept anywhere but home kid KNEW that he was a camper.

The next year, he signed up and the only one crying at drop off was me. When we picked him up he said “I only cried once, at final campfire last night. Not because I missed you but because I was going to miss all of them.” I got to experience him being so freaking proud of himself.

So… I started pushing his younger brother.

I didn’t know that until yesterday…but I can see it now. Wow, can I see it now.

“Don’t you want to go to camp, too?”

“Not yet.”

“But look how much fun Joey had. You’d be fine. I’m sure you would love it. Joey would be there to help you.”

“Not yet.”

Every year I actually signed him up and cancelled at the last minute because nothing had changed. (I hadn’t yet succeeded in manipulating him to agree with me.)

Last year I got my way. He went. He had a great time. He said that (maybe) he’d want to go again.

I signed him up in February without really mentioning it. When he found out he had a fit.

“But you had fun. You loved it. Everything went so well.”

“I’m not sure.”

My inner voice said “what is wrong with him? When did he get so anxious? Is there something I don’t know about? Should I make him? Will he regret not going? Let’s be honest- I really like having both kids gone for a week.”

I kept pushing.

He admitted that the idea of going out on the overnight tent camping trip was freaking him out and that there was no way he was comfortable doing that. I ignored this. I knew he’d be fine. I reminded him how much he loved tent camping. I reminded him Joey would be there.

And then…to get my way… I lied to him.

I told him that they wouldn’t make him go. I told him that if he hated it that I could come get him. I told him it was no big deal. It was a gamble. If it went ok, I would get my way and he would have a great time and never know that I over promised.

If that had happened…there wouldn’t be a blog post, right?

The director called. The first two days had been great but now the was refusing to go on the sleep over. She thought he was homesick. She was pressuring him to go. She said “he said you told him he didn’t have to go”.

Caught.

I admitted my mistakes, we tried a few more things- we used our best manipulations…and then I went to pick him up.

I had a long hour drive alone to think about how this happened and how I wanted to be with him. I was pretty sure he was going to be (rightly) furious with me.

First I was mad at him. What a brat. Lots of kids will kill for this opportunity. How entitled.

Then I thought about how to get out of trouble and save face- who wants to be “that” parent?

Good thing it wasn’t a 10 minute drive.

Then I opened my heart and thought about the whole world of who I wanted to be and who Zach gets to be.

Zach is home. He had a good time. He isn’t interested in going again. I think if I am honest about who my kid really is, I know the truth. My introverted, sensitive, highly independent kid just doesn’t want to be part of the pack for a whole week. What his brother loves stresses him out.

I forgot that somehow. My intentions were good but they just didn’t have anything to do with him.

Most of our parental meltdowns have to do with not being honest with ourselves about our expectations, our fantasies, our crap and how it sets us up to not be able to really see who our kids are.
Funny- I came home from work last night and got to spend a lovely evening alone with him. Not some weird idea of him, not my expectations and dreams of him but the real kid…who I like a lot.