Category / Attachment
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Again With the Holiday Family Stress Post
Assertive Bill of Rights for the Holiday Season You Choose
Between the weather and the impeachment hearings- it feels like it is going to be an especially long, brutal winter. Each November I share a version of my Assertiveness Bill of Rights for the Holidays as my gift to you and your family. Tis the season of hurt feelings, unreasonable expectations, trauma triggers and emotional eating.
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Confession- I still yell!
People yell at their kids. And that’s ok. I mean it isn’t great but it is going to happen. You could drop your kids off at my house (please don’t- I do not take donations) and there is almost no chance that I would ever lose my shit with your kids. But mine? The ones that I love deeply? They can still take me down. 35 years I have been…
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Look Deep into My Eyes
The neurobiology of love is a balance between safety and connection. We want to be free from criticism, hurt, disappointment, loss but we crave deep connection…which leaves us vulnerable and unsafe. If things go well in our childhood we learn to balance that vulnerability with the benefits of others, leaning in and trusting that the hurts aren’t too dangerous and the benefits are so good.
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Science Says We are Hardwired for Love
I took on the “Marriage Geek” title over 10 years ago. It came at a time when I discovered that there was actually a science to love, attachment, healthy relationships. It wasn’t all magic, chemistry, romance, or poetry. Like many of you, I come to attachment work because it doesn’t come naturally to me. Loving scares the fuck out of me. Doing my work has been about figuring out why and what to do about my fear. Amazingingly- doing my personal work has been a huge asset to my professional work. Surprise! Lots and lots of people are terrified by love.
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If You See Something, Say Something
Moral development, our relationship to authority, our responsibility to others are established in childhood. I want to raise kids who feel like they can “tell on people” when the time comes. Who trust that those in authority are on their side, are looking out for what is best not just power hungry control freaks. I want my kids to know that holding people accountable is important. Sometimes people need to get in trouble. Sometimes people make really bad choices. I want my kids to look for the most vulnerable around them and feel protective. I want my kids to think in terms of justice.
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Love Deeply
I believe that deepening our capacity to love and be loved is why we’re here. Well at least that’s why I think I’m here. I want to love my kids and my family and my friends and my partner and my community and the world. I know that I have to get past my self doubts and fears as I work to deepen that capacity. I know that loving people makes me bump into all of my baggage and limitations.
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Love is Messy- We Come Unglued
The core of my professional and my personal life is the belief that all relationships are fueled by a powerful, biologically need for connection. The reason I never run out of work is that the path to connection looks wonderful until it makes us come unglued.
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Love Versus Safety
This is the dilemma that is marriage. We want to be loved and connected and appreciated and lusted after and cared for but we also want to be safe. We don’t want to get our feelings hurt, don’t want to be ignored, neglected, scolded, criticized, misunderstood or rejected. And we can’t have both. There are no safe seats on the marriage ride. It is scary and vulnerable. Being loved means…
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Do You Really Love Me? The Flavor of Insecurity
We all have some version of relationship insecurity but comes in some unique flavors. Will you be there for me no matter what? Will you be faithful? Do you really see me, get me, appreciate who I am? Will you have my back when tough things happen? Can I count on you? The flavor of our insecurity is often connected to family of origin issues. If you grew up feeling…
