The Crisis of Men’s (Lack of) Big Feelings
Happy International Women’s Day. Thank a woman who blazed a trail for you.
Today I actually want to talk about men. In February basketball player DeMar DeRozan came out about his battles with depression.
Then Kevin Love came out about his struggles with anxiety. He also came out about his long held beliefs about being strong and not needing to ask for help- about what he thought it meant to be a man.
Toxic masculinity is our society’s destructive code of behavior for men- dominance, devaluation of women, extreme self-reliance, and the suppression of emotions.
This code is behind our country’s love of guns, and our struggles to support mental health services but it shows up most often in my office as huge risk factor for divorce. On some level, all of us are impacted by the message and what it does to the men we care about.
Dominance in marriage looks like who sits at the head of the table, who makes more money, who drives the better car, who decides if we can afford new carpet or a vacation. It shows up in most marriages as a not quite 50/50 decision making process- one that skews just a tad to the masculine… leading further off course over time. Dominance looks like interrupting, not listening, not remembering.
Sadly dominance also leaves men very lonely in marriage. It is broad shoulders and huge responsibility. It is feeling like you have to lead, you have to be strong, you have to always win and if you can’t, if you are uncertain your value is impacted.
Devaluation of women often shows up around how optional a man’s involvement is in the role of children’s lives, in housework, in relationship care. It looks like “I’d love to help with dinner…but I am just too tired.” It looks like taking your wife and your marriage for granted.
Sadly devaluing women doesn’t really mean men win. Men don’t get to choose their families without a huge loss of status. Ask a Stay At Home Dad about the isolation, the hit to their self esteem, the doubts. Talk to a divorced dad who blew it… and sees his kids on weekends.
Extreme self reliance is complicated in marriage. Many men do lean on their wives but this can become burdensome when he refuses to lean on anyone else. If he doesn’t share his life with his friends or family, doesn’t nurture supportive relationships, doesn’t reach out when stress levels are high the full emotional responsibility falls on his wife’s shoulders. Who calls a babysitter? Who lets people know that the family is going through a tough time and could use meals? Who gets someone to watch the dog? Who calls the teacher when Johnny isn’t doing great at school? Reading books or articles, listening to Ted Talks, and yes…getting a therapist are all ways we develop healthy interdependence.
Sadly extreme self reliance feels so good… it is highly rewarded in our culture. Men usually have no sense of how alone they are…until things come crashing down.
The suppression of emotions is killing men. It is heart attacks and alcoholism and stress and anger and affairs. I see men struggling with irritability that comes from not expressing needs. Men sulking because they don’t have words to ask for comfort. Men angry because they’re hurt. Men smoking weed to cover anxiety that covers insecurity. Men drinking to feel comfortable socially because they don’t know how to be themselves. Men connecting with their kids and their wives through sarcasm and teasing because they can’t be vulnerable. I see men having really crappy sex lives because they don’t know how to ask for intimacy. I see men who are so emotionally phobic that they only want their wives to be happy and think their children should never complain. They shy away from the messy parts of life aware their skills are lacking. They lay low, ask for little and suck it up, as men are trained to do.
Sadly once you are really great at suppressing emotions, you forget you have them. One of the reasons that I think women as a whole find therapy more helpful than men do is that therapy is great at helping give you skills at managing feelings, not so great at actually giving you skill to manage them less… or figure out where you buried them… or teach you to let them go.
That skill is worked on in relationships. No one kicks you ass emotionally like your kids and your partner. Ask more of the men in you life. Invite them to the emotional table. Tell them when they fuck up. Point them in the right direction.Tell the men in your life you are worried about the road that they are on. You can’t make them ask for directions but maybe this time, they are ready to admit that being tough and being lost isn’t working for them.
Maureen