Men are Distant/Women are Moody
Between my personal life and my work- I do marriage 24/7. The greatest mystery to me is how we could socialize men and women so differently and expect them to play nicely.
To women, men seem distant, emotionally unavailable, shut down, cold and when pushed angry.
To men, women seem moody, intense, illogical, unpredictable and when pushed a little crazy.
(I acknowledge gender conforming, hetero-normative stereotypes that do not describe all people but gender socializing is powerful..We have to consider that lots of us do fit it.)
By the time couples get t0 my office the differences between them have grown exaggerated. She is getting more intense to get the connection she feels he is withholding. He is pulling away and protecting himself from her irrational intensity. He is hurt which looks a lot like pissed and she is worried which looks a lot like freaking out. She looks controlling and he looks mean. How can he step in to comfort her if he is sure that she is going to criticize him? How can she just feel safe when he pulls so far away?
This tug of war, push me/pull you dance always looks like the other person’s fault. If they are going to act like that, what choice do we have? We end up off center, reacting out of fear and not able to find our loving self. We chase when they pull away, we pull away when we are chased. We defend and attack.
You can change the tone of your marriage. You don’t have to get sucked into this cycle. It is great if both of you work together to stop the insanity but when one changes, the other finds a way to change as well. Find your center. Breath. Meditate or pray. Spend time alone considering your values and commitments. Have faith. Look at the wedding pictures. Be kind and fun and grateful and generous and forgiving. When you lose those things, you are no longer the person you want to be, the person your partner chose.
If you want some help on getting on track this fall- this workshop is great for couples wanting to deepen their connection and work better together.
Maureen
Re-Creating Us in the New School Year |
Other great workshops coming up.