Just a bunch of divorce musings…. When is it time to leave?

(If you see yourself in this week’s newsletter, you’re right…all of you who can’t decide, who want me to tell you what to do, who are waiting for a sign, who are so unhappy that it can’t be good for anyone. This time I really am talking to you…oh but not all of you…)

I went to this fantastic training sponsored by Erickson Mediation last week. http://ericksonmediation.com/resources/emi-newsletter/

I trained with then a long time ago and I always recommend them first when people are considering divorce. The workshop was about some new ideas in the world of divorce legislation that I won’t go into but I did come away reminded that a healthy, peaceful pro-kid family can occur after divorce and that divorce doesn’t have to be a tragedy.

I am strongly pro-choice in the world divorce/stay married. I want people to stay married because it is healthy and good for them and they want the amazing lessons that marriage can offer. I do not want people to stay married out of fear or lack of options. I think lots of people end up divorced because they don’t have the right information, don’t know that marriages can be fixed and often one person ignores the other’s concerns so long that it is just too late to save it. I also think people end up in horrible marriages because they believe that divorce is terrible for kids (the research says bad marriages and bad divorces are bad for kids…oh and poverty…try not to be poor because that is hard on kids.) They stay stuck because they don’t want to be blamed or feel guilty or aren’t sure enough. Even worse, they don’t know their rights or how it works and feel like they don’t actually have options. Those are terrible reasons for anyone to be married.

I won’t get into the moral issue- not my wheelhouse. At least these days the neighbors won’t shun you if you get divorced and your kids already know lots of other kids whose parents are divorced. It isn’t even interesting.

Most women I know grew up seeing made for TV movies about domestic abuse and swore to ourselves we would never stay in an abusive marriage…at least not like the ones we saw on TV but what if it isn’t that simple? What if he isn’t a drunk and never hits you but doesn’t listen, doesn’t seem to care and the fights are ugly…maybe not abusive but certainly not respectful. Do you stay then? How bad is bad enough? What if you are just so tired and so lonely? I don’t see getting people getting divorced easily or selfishly- I suppose they exist but mostly people are tormented by the decision.

Here are some random musings that might be helpful.

• If you tell people you are thinking of divorce, they won’t be helpful. No one wants to be blamed for pushing you off the fence. You’re going to have to decide for yourself before people will ever tell you that things will get better, that you’re going to be ok, that you have a right to be happy.
• I think people should be sure that they tried, a lot…and I have no way of measuring what a lot looks like.
• I think you can do a lot to work on your marriage no matter what your partner does and I think it does really take two to make a marriage good.
• 2 out of 3 divorces are filed by women. That means something. I don’t it all figured out yet but I know that it means something.
• I think respect is crucial and complicated. I think everyone has ugly fights but not every relationship is ugly.
• I think people should try hard not to get divorced when they have toddlers because having toddlers makes life so messy that you really can’t tell how much of the mess is your relationship. And people really should kiss their little ones good night every night if they can. Kissing big kids good night every night is nice but not as necessary.
• I think you deserve to be happy and I know that divorce doesn’t make people happy and neither does marriage. Happy takes work too.
• I know that if you have kids with someone you can never fully divorce them and that the things you fight about now are likely still going be the things you fight about when you are divorced…but you get to sleep wherever you want and you don’t have to talk about it all the time.
• I think that their aren’t only two options. I think we can be a different kind of family, have a different kind of relationship if we have to have the courage to ask for what we need, stand up for ourselves and get creative.

Was that helpful? Have I made it any easier to decide? Yeah… I kind of suck. How the hell do I know? When couples see me for the first time I ask them to give me 6 months I will either give them a better marriage or a better divorce. I think both of those things are worth fighting for.

Maureen