What is Earned Secure Attachment?

Want to know what I have been up to? Here’s an update. 

I have been studying and writing about attachment since Joey was born in 2002. As I return to blogging it is fun to look back a few years and see what I said. 

Or my introduction to attachment styles.

It can help to use attachment theory while working through attachment wounds from childhood.  Compare how love makes you feel versus how secure love could feel. We want to invite connection not flee, freak, clutch. Are you more afraid of being left or of being overwhelmed with love? Do you swing between these fears? Do you keep people at bay, give up too easily, or hang on too long? 

 These things show up not only with romantic partners but with our kids, our friends, our extended family. 

Anxious–preoccupied  Love is scary because it will hurt. “I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like”, and “I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.” 

Dismissive–avoidant  I can live without it. “I crave connection but am more comfortable alone.” “It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, I don’t like depending on others or having them on me.” 

Fearful–avoidant Come close, no back-off.  “I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.” People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships. 

Here’s the great news- our brains are wired for connection and the “miswiring” from our childhood is fixable. We have to create new, healthy pathways to become “earned secure”.

We heal by processing our past, dealing with the pain, getting honest with what happened, and accepting that our childhood was not “what we deserved”. 

We heal by repairing our sense of self-worth and compassion, by taming that ugly voice in our head. 

We heal by choosing carefully who we love, and who we let into our hearts.

We heal by knowing when to release negative relationships. 

We heal by addressing our feelings of loneliness, jealousy, insecurity, and self-worth. 

We heal by creating interdependence- the balance of counting on healthy people and knowing that we are not children- that we can make it on our own if necessary. 

This is the work of therapy but it is also the work of loving. It is intentionally raising children. It is maintaining positive friendships. It is the work of romance and sex and building partnerships. It is the work of learning when to lean in and when to let go. 

I’m returning to blogging- digging in to the healing work of relationships. 

Email if you have reactions, questions, ideas. Follow me on Facebook and LinkedIn for more discussion.