Teaching Our Kids the Vibrant Art of Emotions

Each of us is born with the full natural human range of emotions. Think of it like having the big box of crayons…the one with the sharpener. We come to the world able to express and feel 96 unique feelings…we just don’t have the labels yet.

When we are little our feelings are raw and messy. When we turn three we start to play big with  feelings. Three year olds pick a color- anger, frustration, fear, determination and they pick it with gusto.

Our job as the parents of three year olds is first to connect with the humanity of their feeling. (Saturday’s workshop Emotionally Coaching Your Kid) We have to recognize and honor it. Then we give them a name for the enormous, beautiful feeling there are having because we are people of language. Once a feeling is named, we own it and can learn to manage and value it. As parents, we coach kids in how best to express and resolve their big feelings. We want them to have all the feelings and all the skills to dance in the world of feelings, express themselves, feel heard and manage those feelings. Almost all behavior issues are at their core, issues of feelings. When kids feel centered and whole, they act centered and whole. 

Who knew that parenting was a creative outlet? Did you understand that becoming a parent made you responsible for the emotional development of a whole new person?  The problem is that if you grew up in a family where tal dvehere wasn’t a ton of support for emotions your art tools might be limited. Some of your colors are missing, some of them kind of broken but certainly not the whole pretty box. Your kids bring you feelings that you don’t even recognize, you certainly can’t name them and what does one do with said unnamed, unrecognizable feeling? 

If you are a guy who grew up in our sexist “boys don’t cry” world that doesn’t allow much room for expression of feelings your box might look like this… fine. That’s a feeling in some people’s family…fine. Or you do lots of feelings and the people around keep asking why you’re always mad. Lots of guys had all their crayons smashed pretty early. “WE DO NOT ACT LIKE THAT”. 

Raising kids is an amazing opportunity to restock the crayon box. You get to reclaim and explore exciting new territories that are totally terrifying. Our kids will lead us if we let them. Learn the languge with them. Rediscover what it feels like to be hurt and have someone step in. Relearn how to be brave in the face of someone else’s disappointment. Allow yourself to be in the room with someone who is deeply tragically sad about a broken banana and know that sadness doesn’t break us. Remember what it feels like to be mad and not alone.  Mostly being parents means being vulnerable. You have to be scared and overwhelmed and tired and there is no place to hide. You might as well learn to make the most beautiful mess we can make.