Look Deep into My Eyes
rekindle your passion
I still have space in Saturday’s workshop “Whatever Happened to the Girlfriend I Used to Be?”
This is for women who feel like they have lost their sexual “mojo”. While feminism helped a lot of us claim our sexual power as single women, it hasn’t transferred well to commitment and kids.
If you can’t come but want some ideas- go back and read my 2018 4 part series “Let’s Talk about Sex Baby!”
If you’ve been following along- I am reading “Wired for Love”. Chapter 9- Love is Up Close- How to Rekindle Love through Eye Contact is wonderful!
The neurobiology of love is a balance between safety and connection. We want to be free from criticism, hurt, disappointment, loss but we crave deep connection…which leaves us vulnerable and unsafe. If things go well in our childhood we learn to balance that vulnerability with the benefits of others, leaning in and trusting that the hurts aren’t too dangerous and the benefits are so good.
Life is intense. When we are busy fighting traffic, raising kids, paying bills, watching the news, who wants to add dangerous, unpredictable intimacy. Who has time to mess things up with disappointment or rejection? We rest in familiarity.We keep it superficial in an effort not to fight. And thus we no longer feel the deep connection we once did. We no longer see our partner nor feel seen.
Guess what the magic answer is? Seriously… Eye contact. I know- it can’t really be eye contact, can it? Let me walk you through the science behind the magic.
As soon as any person comes within 2-3 feet of us, our brains scan for threat, for emotion, for social context. Who is this person, what do they mean to me, how am I supposed to respond? Our brains detect and judge and respond in a flash- no story, just gut response. When we are in an attachment relationship, when this person has gotten under our skin, become part of our system, the sum of all of our experience of them lies in that instant.
Eye contact allows us to deepen our sense of safety. Windows to the soul and all that- as the book says- “looking into another’s eyes, what we see is inherently strange and complex. We become aware of each other’s stranger-ness, which makes us aware again of novelty and unpredictability. This allows for just enough familiarity and stranger-ness to rekindle love and excitement.”
The book says that islands- those of us with avoidant attachment styles for whom close relationships can feel overwhelming or suffocating, need to learn to breath and find the safety in proximity. Waves- those of you with more anxious attachment styles for whom closeness often isn’t enough to feel secure, need to learn to learn to create safe proximity that is comforting for both themselves and their partner.
In an age of texting and screens, of being too busy and distracted, what if it might just be that simple? What if our brains actually know exactly how to do this if only we would let them. What have we got to lose if we linger, if we gaze? Maybe it is worth a try. Slow, steady, connection. Go rekindle some sparks out there.