You Might Not be Fighting Enough

When a new couple comes into my office one of my first questions is “Are you fighting too much or too little?” By the time couples get to my office, the answer is usually they aren’t fighting enough. I have to say that if my practice was in some less Nordic state, I might get a different response. But this is Minnesota, the land of MN nice and passive aggressive stand offs.

Most couples start out fighting ok. Before marriage if that person you’re dating bugs you, it is easy to tell them off and even end the relationship if necessary. Love me or leave me!

After marriage it gets a bit tricky. Of course I bug you, and you bug me endlessly but since I’ve already mentioned it and it just leads to a stupid fight and then we waste what little time we have on something that doesn’t make a difference I guess it isn’t worth mentioning and I will just suck it up and pretend to myself that I let it go…but secretly hang onto it until…

We don’t talk about things when we decide that they aren’t going to change or talking about it is more trouble than it’s worth. We stop talking about things because we figure that we aren’t supposed to go to bed mad but we are so tired and there just isn’t time and anyway how are we supposed to fight in front of the kids when the kids are EVERYWHERE?

Fight. Argue. Disagree. Bicker. Quarrel. Go at it. (I googled the synonyms )

If you aren’t willing to take on the insurmountable task of fighting fair maybe you could take on another, less threatening option.

You could have a meeting. You could bring up money or sex or housework at a time when there isn’t a crisis and you aren’t freaking out. You could even decide to do this regularly with advance planning to see if the defensiveness decreases.

You could take responsibility. “Hey- I just wanted to let you know that I did that thing that makes you crazy and  I promised not to do again and I know I really blew it and I’m sorry.” Admit your mistakes without excuses and it takes all the fight out of the fight.

You could hold your partner accountable. “When you do that thing that makes me crazy, it takes me a long time to feel close to you again…and we don’t have sex or any fun for awhile.” Nothing to discuss. Just putting it out there- your truth. Take it or leave it.

You could express your healthy human emotions. “You hurt my feelings.” “I am so disappointed.” “That worries me so much.” “I am so angry about how you handled that.”

We could ask for what we want. (I know, I remember. This is Minnesota and this is a long shot but maybe the people from other states could try this one.) “I need attention.” “Would you please come lay with me?” “I need you to tell me you love me, give me a hug, tell me I am beautiful, appreciate me, have sex with me, make me feel important.”

Good luck people Say something new. Be brave. Take risks. Move your lips. Pretend you are someone from New Jersey. Just don’t give up on saying stuff. We humans need that stuff.