Get a Better Story, You Choose the Path

My job is often to help couples find a better story about their relationship. There are stories that lead to divorce. There are stories that keep us stuck. There are stories in which we are powerless victims. There are also stories of growth, of recovery, of learning what it is to be in a powerful marriage. You get to pick. I figure if you hire a marriage counselor, mostly you want to see if there is a story of redeption trapped inside the story of despair.

If you think you married the wrong person, than the only answer is divorce. If by the wrong person you mean someone who pisses you off, lets you down, hurts your feelings then you might have simply married a flawed human who needs some work.

If you think that too much damange is done, you get to be done. If you know that the best of marriages have rough years in the middle, then you look for better days.

If you think that your relationship is damaged or the trust is destroyed then you can move on. If you know that having a good relationship is a lot like homeownership- you need tools and skills to constantly stay on top of maintenence. And sometimes you call in a professional to give you a hand with fixing the holes in the walls and make sure the foundation is firm.

Sometimes you worry that your partner will never change. And some people won’t. And some people aren’t even trying. If your partner refuses to do anything about their chemical dependency or their depression or their anger issues or even refuses to learn to be married well, you get to be done. Or you get to push them. Or you get to wait awhile. Or you get to do work on yourself. Or you get to be done.

What if you fear that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship? I find this one really tough because almost all relationships have emotionally abusive moments. Just like as a mom, sometimes I have emotionally abusive moments but there is no way I think my kids are in emotionally abused. But when a relationship becomes abusive, the abusive partner is breaking down the self esteem and safety of the other person. In a clearly emotionally abusive relationship, your ability to choose gets messed up. The abuse gets into your head and makes things look different than they are. This one, more than any can require outside help to figure out. If the people who really know you and know your partner think that this relationship is destructive, often the best thing to do is to take a break. It is the only time that I suggest separation.

Lots of times when we come to that fork in the road, we are tempted to believe that it is the last and only fork when in fact it is a road full of twists and turns. Take the high road, take the road less travelled, take the mysterious one or the scary one or the well lit one or the one your mom thinks you should take. And then keep learn that lesson. The next fork brings another lesson.

Maureen