Summer- Time to Get Naked
RERUN- ADAPTATION from 4/3/2015…. Because sex doesn’t change much
Sex is important to relationships. It is. I kind of wish I could tell you it isn’t a big deal but it is right up there with sleep and food. Of course, since most people in our culture are totally screwed up about food and totally sleep deprived, not such a surprise that we are also kind of a disaster in the sack.
Couples who aren’t having regular sex freak out and feel insecure in their relationship. Couples that go too long without sex end up looking a lot like siblings- they love each other and are certainly family but man, do they get on each other’s nerves. Sex is protective of love. Sex builds connection. Sex makes us feel better.
Here is my OPINION. It is based on a lot of books, research, experience and deep thought…but it is only one opinion. If you think I am stupid… try me again next week maybe.
This is what I would recommend- perfect world, optimum care and feeding of a relationship-
We need sexual connection time (including but not limited to intercourse, play, intimacy, fun, getting emotionally and physically naked) at least 30 minutes twice a week. 30 minutes…because women need more than 10 minutes to orgasm. Too many quickies destroy libido. Consider being an overachiever and focus on the afterglow and stay awake for a whole hour!!!
We can work on what Dan Savage calls GGG- Good Giving and Game. Honest, open and generous where dealing with their partner’s sexual needs.
It would be great if initiating sexual connection happened spontaneously. But kids/work/sleep/exercise have screwed that up. Couples need to have a serious talk about how and when sex needs to happen. People- let’s be real…we have more sex on weekends. Or maybe humpday…maybe once on the weekend and then Wednesday night you head upstairs… or to that other place you like to get naked. Or we sneak home for lunch.
Initiating sex should be low risk and the responsibility of both partners. If we admit that humans need and want sex and that the majority of my audience have promised to do their best to be monogamous, then we owe our relationship our best effort. Not having sex makes us feel weird and it gets harder and harder to get back to it.
In many heterosexual relationships, women are taking the vast majority of the responsibility for the emotional needs of the relationship…ok this mostly means we start most of the fights but we get pretty tired of always being the one that says…”we need to talk”.
In many heterosexual relationships, men are taking the vast majority of the responsibility for initiating sex. “Hey baby, how bout we not talk?” Since lots of couples are struggling to maintain a healthy sex life and many women are struggling to redefine their libido post kids- men are often made to either feel guilty for asking or selfish for being unhappy without.
We are terribly unrealistic if we think we can do the best for our marriage and our kids and even ourselves if we just ignore our need for passion, connection, affection, and good old fashioned sex. I am not saying it is easy- but I do think it is simple. So I prescribe 2 sexual sessions a week with lots of work on being Good, Giving and Game…and naked, lots and lots of naked. It is only warm for a few months around here.