Can We Go for the Gold in Parenting?

I can’t speak about the Florida shootings. It is too raw, too scary. I wish I trusted our country’s leadership to have the tough conversations we need about gun violence and toxic masculinity. I can only continue to fight with you to honor our children, model empathy and address mental health issues in our community. Stay strong. The world needs us now, more than ever.

What to do something today? Email a teacher and thank them for both protecting and pushing our kids. I am committed to thanking the one that pissed me off (pushed me) the most this week.

What if there were Parent Olympics?

How can you know your score?

I have had near perfect moments where I felt the win. My parenting “worked”.

There have been many more moments where I wiped out, faceplanted in the snow.

How do we measure good parenting? Do we shine when our kids are well behaved? Do we fail when their big feelings lead to meltdowns at Target?  How many times has Chloe Kim fallen? Do skaters start their training with a triple axel?

I often joke that the first 20 years of parenting are the hardest…which can make for really obnoxious grandparents. When I worked with kids I would tell them just how little experience their parents actually had, asking them to be patient as they train them in.

I know I committed to reading less books this year but it isn’t happening. Right now I am reading Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb while listening to Grit– The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth. This is so symbolic of my parenting struggles. I swant to balance attention to my kids’ emotional needs with pushing them to be all that they can be. Am I coddling them, holding them back, maybe more permissive than authoritative? Or am I pushing too hard, expecting them to be something they aren’t interested or able to be? Are my hopes and dreams for them experienced as coercion or conditional acceptance?

Honestly, I know I lean more to the emotional support and often crash on the accountability, grit side of things. I am no Olympian. I give up. I don’t like discomfort. I would rather not compete than risk failing miserably. Authoritative parenting, the gold standard is supportive, respectful and affectionate while holding kids to high expectations. I medal in supportive… less skilled at accountability.

If I had a Olympic parenting coach she would be telling me to back off and let them find their own way. She would say trust the base you built in the early years. Parenting aware of emotions and attachment is heavy lifting in the early years and then requires a lot of letting go. That is the muscle I need to exercise. Ask more. Hear them fuss but don’t rescue. Know that I do want them to faceplant in the snow…over and over again.

As a parent, I am both in training and coaching everyday. Since I get the enormous value of modeling, I have to push myself and take risks so that my kids see me brush myself off and get back in the game.

This week we reflect on how much our kids mean to us as we watch some parents grieve while others, on the sidelines cry as their babies win and lose. Both the shooter and many of the Gold Medalists are just kids with obsessions. Parenting matters- not just our kids but the kids in our community. Let’s keep working on finding the game worth playing.

Maureen