My Messy Grateful State

I hope you had a lovely Halloween. At least here in MN where all we ever talk about is weather, this was a good one. I am feeling my age. Not in a bad way… I love the silver in my hair and the occasional bouts of wisdom and clarity I experience. But the passing of seasons.

I think that this was the first year I haven’t carved a pumpkin in 34 years. I think there were a few years between being the oldest of 5 kids and being the mother to one where I went to bars on Halloween but mostly I have dressed kids in costumes, handed out candy and scooped the yucky stuff out of the insides of a pumpkin. This year the kids are too big and their over at their dad’s and I was at the office. And I hate scooping the yucky stuff so I didn’t. But when will I get to do it again? As a GRANDMA someday? Am I hanging up my scoop for good? Is this retirement?

Welcome to November- the darkest month of the year in Minnesota I always like to take the first Thursday of November… 3 weeks before my favorite holiday- the one with just food and family, to tell you why I suck at gratitude.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have so much to be thankful for and I get that gratitude is good for mental health. I never like being told how to feel. (I never like being told much.) Gratitude gets all tied up with guilt for me. Never complain. Others have it worse. My Catholic “there but for the grace of God.” There are children starving in Africa. I live a pretty privileged life but guilt is no solution, neither is gratitude.

Am I really supposed to wake up every day (especially in November) and spend the day thankful of all I have? Do people do that? My these are lovely socks I have. Isn’t coffee amazing? I am so glad my beautiful children are healthy and determined enough to argue with me again today. I can’t promise you that I will keep a gratitude journal or post 30 days of things I am thankful for. I suck at gratitude. I want things to be better. I have high expectations and mostly focus on what isn’t going right.

I am setting an intention for November. It is what it is. This is my life. My one truly personal, precious, wonderful life. I will try not to lean too far into the future or get dragged back into my past. No maybes, no what ifs, no if onlys. Just- It is what it is.

When I live there I notice more. I see the kindness and the beauty and the generosity. I see those struggling, those hurting, those who could use something as simple as eye contact. I feel my feelings without judgement. As the meme says “I have managed 100% of the days thrown at me so far. “  I promise, I am working on noticing. Mostly I am working on noticing what I always forget to notice- that people are amazing and I’ve got it pretty good… yeah…gratitude.