Hard Lessons and Learning to Apologize

This week I learned a hard lesson.  After what felt like a great Parenting Genius Bar, I was forwarded a FB post by one of the participants about me, not naming me…and so hurt.

I feel like I have been walking around using the N word or something and someone called me out. This mother was horrified that I had offended her over and over again in the group- senselessly, callously. And I had no idea I had done it.

She is a parent who has lost a child and she was hurt, not just for herself but for any parent who sits in my audience or reads my words.

So about the stupid, insensitive things I said…but first….

How are you feeling right now? Check your gut on this. Are you defending me? Are you sure I didn’t mean to? Are you pissed?

I made a mistake. In the world of positive parenting, the rule in my house is that it is ok to make a mistake. And then you take responsibility for it. And then you learn something. It has been rough but good to be open to accountability for my mistake…without going to shame or defensiveness…well not too much.

The best thing that could have possibly happened to me is that I learned that I had been hurting people and learned how not to do it.

To any bereaved parent I apologise. I apologise for just not getting the impact that my words can have.  Here’s what I said… knowing full well that a mother sitting with me had lost a child.

“It’s not like parenting is life or death, right…”, “It’s not like our kids are going to die…, The worst: “At least we kept our kids ALIVE, right?” (chuckle, chuckle, chuckle)… “I wanted to murder my kids, right then and there….” etc etc. The message seemed to be: if our kids are still alive, we’re done everything right. If they’re not, you failed as a mother.”

I live in privilege. I get to joke about kids dying. I laugh off my greatest fear because it makes me feel better.

I have since learned that bereaved parents don’t go to “normal” parenting things because it isn’t safe.

I have since learned that bereaved parents stop hanging around “normal” parents because we just don’t get what we’re saying.

I have since learned that every day is painful when you have lost a child, but Mother’s Day stings when people don’t acknowledge your loss.

It wasn’t fun to face the person that I hurt but what came of it was priceless. I go into this weekend’s La Leche League’s conference, walk into a group of strangers and I will not forget that it is possible that one of them is a parent who has lost a child and I can watch my words. I be careful not to add to her pain and give her a safe place to be a “normal” parent.