Marriage- finding the right hard work
Right after New Year’s is historically a busy week in both divorce attorney’s offices and marriage counseling offices. Getting through the holidays and the fresh new year make people really consider whether their relationship is sustainable or not.
I hurt for my clients who are often working hard in all the wrong ways. The most common pattern is what I think of as “the vortex”-the negative cycle of destruction that pulls couple’s deeper into conflict, making it hard to escape.
Over time, a couples’ closeness ebbs and flows- it breathes in and out. Moving away when things get busy, moving closer when they have time. We turn towards each other at times and away at others. When the distance hits its outer edge, a good fight actually can bring things back to center. We reconnect over dates or through sex or by collapsing on the couch to watch Netflix or by sharing the stupid/amazing thing our kid just did.
With low connection, we are less patient. People talk about being roommates but the research says low intimacy couples act like siblings- family but lots of bickering. We don’t let go of things, we don’t cut our partner much slack and we assume negative intention quickly.
Sometimes the distance gets too far to find our way back. The distance feels like resentment or contempt or judgement. The distance hurts and reaching for your partner feels dangerous. We stop fighting because we know that it brings more pain than resolution. We stop having sex because sex without connection can feel pitiful and lonely. We stop dating because the silence is deafening. And when we stop turning towards each other, we move deeper into the vortex. And as we do the only thing that seems to make sense, attempting to survive and continue, we see our partner make choices that seem mean or insensitive. And how else can we react to the attack but attack back? So goes the vortex.
One reason it is hard to stop doing the same fight over and over is because it almost always looks like your partner started it, and that your response is the only one that makes any sense. Being defensive is the only possible response to feeling attacked. But when a relationship has a history, that defensiveness can be about the fight we had a year ago, or a decade ago and not necessarily about the mostly reasonable thing your partner just said. When the fight feels familiar it goes faster- here we go again, just acting out a well rehearsed role.
Step one is call a truce. Stop pointing fingers and agree, best if in a calm moment. “I don’t want us to fight like that anymore. Can we agree to not slide back into a harsh, ugly fight?” Talk about an agreement for a time out. Talk about a code for “here we go again, this isn’t going to end well.”
The hard work of marriage is fighting the right fights. It is being working hard at checking the defensive, reactive, jumping to conclusions stuff. It is putting a ton more warm fuzzies in, banking the good stuff to make sure you can weather the rough stuff.
And of course, if you can’t figure it out all by yourself… let me help you find a good therapist. Or come to my Amazing Marriage 101 class in January 27th. I have been offering this for 10 years and I love the peace it gives couples. It has evolved and grown with the research and my experience but mostly still the stuff I think everyone should know about how marriage works, especially with kids. I love that the feedback I get is that it makes couples feel more positive, more hopeful and way more normal. Because marriage is hard and great and growth producing and challenging and powerful.