Our Violent Reaction to Being Hurt

The number one thing that couples fight about is not what you might think. We always fight about getting our feelings hurt. We argue about the dishes and money and time but it isn’t a fight until someone’s feeling get hurt- and someone’s feelings always get hurt. And the gloves come off. Attachment relationships mean we NEED the connection and support of a few key people and having that sense of connection pulled away is like being pulled under water. We fight to get back to the air.

It isn’t different in parenting- think about our kids. Of course we want them to do their homework, clean up their messes and go to bed…please go to bed! But what are the fights about? Kids hurt our feelings, they make us feel resentful and overwhelmed and disrespected and powerless- so often we feel powerless. And we hurt their feelings. We make them cry. We don’t understand. We give them the look or the tone or we yell. Parenting books be damned. Parenting just isn’t the same without the audio track.

However my childhood went, I know I suck at dealing with my own hurt feelings. Like a sullen child, when I feel tears come to my eyes, I take them to my room, sometimes with the announcement of a slammed door but more often silently. I go to my room where I give myself a few moments to lick my wounds and reorganize my feelings in a way that makes me presentable to the world again. I do this alone. I seldom give people I love a chance to comfort me or respond to me or even know that I am hurt. Mostly when my feelings are hurt I look pissed or judgemental. Not something that has anyone step closer for.

I hope to be doing better with my kids. I want them to have hurt feelings I can see. I want them to tell me that I pissed them off. I want them to ask me to be more careful with them. I want them to expect an apology.

We are never going to live naked and raw with people we adore without a lot of hurt feelings. When we work to not hurt them we can get careful and guarded and weird. Instead we need to put our energy into restoring the connection. Take responsibility. Show remorse. Reconnect. Repeat. Again and again and again.