What’s the Matter? Nothing- I’m Fine

We can judge the feelings of people we love in a heartbeat. Before they are even aware of a feeling it is in their voice and on their face. Something seems off…and it feels very personal. When something is off we have to ask- “What’s the matter?”

“What’s the matter?”

“Oh, I am so glad you asked. I feel so supported. It is great to know that you are paying attention and can see my pain.” Said no one ever!

Instead “What’s the matter?” almost always gets answered- “Nothing- I’m fine.” We get defensive and feel attacked, intruded on.  The truth is we got caught- we are mad, we are worried… “Nothing- I’m fine” is the lie we tell our partners because we don’t actually have words for what is going on.

Little kids don’t ask “what’s the matter?” Instead they say “MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM?” until they can pull us back towards them.

When the people we love- and this is true for kids and partners, are distracted by their moods we experience it as a disconnect. Anxiety looks like irritation. Depression looks like criticism. Worry looks like rejection. Anger looks like hatred. Disappointment looks like disgust. How we experience that disconnect often says a ton about how we managed our parent’s moods. If we grew up being blamed or shamed or responded to harshly, those feelings are scary. If we grew up in a family that was inconsistent, especially one where there was addiction, mental illness or violence we spend way too much energy trying to figure out just what that face means and how we can make it a happy face again. We are afraid to ask. If we ask, we don’t believe the answer. We either work really hard to force a connection or we give the person we love way too much space, leaving them alone with whatever that face really is.

“You seem distant” or even “you seem weird” which I use with the kids works a ton better. It holds a mirror up to show them what we are seeing. It invites self reflection. It holds people accountable for the dark rain cloud that is darkening our experience of them. It is loving and caring and moves people towards connection, rather than away. 

Break the “What’s the matter?” habit today. Notice and comment on what you see and maybe you can get a better answer than “I’m fine”.