Confessions of an Imperfect Mom

As many of you know, I have been a mom for 31 years. I struggled a great deal with my first as a young, insecure, single mother of a kid with serious emotional and behavioral problems. Now as an old, cocky, married mom I look back and can see the things that I couldn’t see at the time.

When people talked about my son’s behavior, I took it too personally. Anyone who asked questions or offered advice or even felt bad for me seemed to be judging me.

People asked if I was being consistent and I knew sometimes I changed my mind or gave in because I didn’t have the energy to follow through.

Today I know that all parents change their minds. I know that flexibility is a great parenting skill. I understand that consistent is me being the best me I can be. Caving and being inconsistent comes from doubt and lack of support and feeling terribly overwhelmed and maybe sometimes I was inconsistent.

People asked if it might be because his dad wasn’t around and I heard that somehow I didn’t love him enough or that there weren’t good men in his life.

Today I know that even having a ton of family love you as much as anyone can does not cancel the impact of having your dad walk out. I understand that solo parenting means all decisions, all struggles feel much more than twice as big as when you have a partner to share the burden. I also get that being poor sucks and isn’t great for kids and although we never went hungry, being single = enormous financial stress.

People asked if I set limits, if I said no and I knew I said no a million times a day and I didn’t let him get away with stuff, that he “knew better”, that I hadn’t raised him like that.

Today I know that kids do as well as they can. That “knowing better” has very little to do with being able to control yourself when you are dealing with serious mental health stuff or sometimes just dealing with being a kid.

Being a parent is putting yourself in a role that is messy and complicated and unpredictable. It is a huge responsibility that we say is important but we don’t support very well. While they grow up, we get a chance to grow up too.

Today I know that even if it were somehow possible to be a perfect parent, it wouldn’t guarantee that you would have a perfect kid because there aren’t perfect people.
Today I know that all the people I adore, the people I want to hang out with, the people who write great books, make great music and change the world- all those people have imperfect parents.