Do You Really Love Me? The Flavor of Insecurity
We all have some version of relationship insecurity but comes in some unique flavors.
Will you be there for me no matter what?
Will you be faithful?
Do you really see me, get me, appreciate who I am?
Will you have my back when tough things happen?
Can I count on you?
The flavor of our insecurity is often connected to family of origin issues.
If you grew up feeling that your parents’ love was somewhat conditional- that they loved you best when you did great in school or when you took care of your siblings or when you didn’t need very much then you may not trust that your partner’s love is unconditional.
If you felt that your parents’ love was unreliable, that they didn’t always take your side or that they put something or someone before you then you may have a hard time trusting your partner’s fidelity. This can happen when parents struggle to love their kids equally or when they put substances like drugs or alcohol ahead of their family. It can happen if there has been infidelity in your family or if your parents seemed to care more about work than they did you.
If you felt misunderstood by your parents then it can be hard to feel like that your partner really gets you. When misunderstood, falsely accused, invisible, or disempowered makes us feel unloved it is often rooted in how you were seen as a kid.
If you never feel that your family was stable, it can be hard to trust that this love is a forever kind of love. Abandonment doesn’t always mean a parent leaves, it can be through depression or distraction that we lose the attention we needed so badly. Once abandoned, it seems easy to imagine that the people we love will leave us again.
If you grew up feeling like you were pretty much on your own, it can be hard to lean on your partner. If independence seems like your best asset it can keep you from deeply trusting that others can be there for you. If there wasn’t a safety net in your childhood, what’s the point of building one now?
I know your partner isn’t perfect and many of your relationship concerns are really valid. It is just important to fight the right fights. Try and get clear on your “baggage” and know that there is no way your partner can answer for your childhood.
Insecurity is a healthy part of relationships that gives us space to be responsive. If we are doing the right work, we learn to ask our partner to comfort us when our insecurity shows up and help us to do the work of sorting through the baggage. And we get to the amazing work of comforting them while they work through their’s.