I admit it, my instincts can be all wrong

I love the idea that parenting is instinctual. I wish that my gut reaction to my kids was always right on. Instead I swing between worrying too much to not worrying enough. My instincts are fed by my past and my socialization. My instincts are muddied by the Today Show and Facebook telling me what everyone else thinks are important. My instincts tell me that I am not enough for my kids. My instincts are super insecure. My instincts have a short fuse.

I worry about parents who have anxious instincts. They respond quickly and hate to see their children cry. They over respond and can make choices that decrease their own anxiety while passing it on to their children. Their instincts protect and rescue.

I worry about parents who have guilty instincts. They do too much and ask too little. They take things too personally and carry more responsibility for their kids than is healthy. Their instincts coddle and excuse.

I worry about parents who have depressed instincts. They respond just a moment behind their child. They let things go or miss things in the sadness that clouds their vision. Things can feel unimportant or they can doubt their enormous power to influence. Their instincts under respond and whisper self doubt.

I worry about parents who have angry instincts. They struggle with setting limits or saying no because they fear blowing up. They may seem unpredictable or inconsistent- it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter. IT MATTERS. Their instincts make them feel like crappy parents.

I think my instincts are often racist, sexist, and classist. My instincts are sometimes too generous, sometimes too selfish…my instincts are kind of assholes.

Psychology or more precisely DBT for those that speak lingo offers us something even better than our instincts- the Wise Mind. The integration of our emotional mind, our feelings and instincts blend with our logical or rational mind which reads the research and learns from other people’s experiences as well as our own.

“Wise mind is that part of each person that can know and experience truth. It is where the person knows something to be true or valid. It is almost always quiet, It has a certain peace. It is where the person knows something in a centered way.” Marsha Linehan

Attachment relationships are complicated. When you love someone deep enough to bond with them, you can lose part of your rational mind. Your instincts are messy when you are vulnerable and scared. Your instincts about love and trust and safety might need some help. It wouldn’t hurt to give your instincts a tune up, check them against some Wise Mind and maybe adjust your reception.