Can Your Partner Find You?

Mom…MOM….MOM…MOM!!!

When our kids can’t find us, they yell. Sometimes we are sitting right there, distracted, on our phones, thinking thoughts not about them, trying to work… but they can’t make a connection so they GET YOUR ATTENTION.

In marriage when we don’t feel heard sometimes we get loud. Sometimes we get mean. Sometimes we get sullen. When we can’t find the connection we use whatever coping skills we have.

Sometimes we aren’t there for our partners because we are hurt. Sometimes we aren’t listening because we don’t feel heard. Sometimes we are defensive or angry. Sometimes we aren’t there for our partners because we are distracted or busy or on our phone. Sometimes we cannot believe it is us that they need. How can we be their person?

I think kids are better or at least more honest than most adults. They don’t hesitate to let us know that they need us to connect. Adults feeling neglected and disconnected have often learned it is safer to act like you don’t care, you don’t need anyone.

We disconnect, take our space, suck it up, numb our feelings to survive the hurt of a relationship that isn’t working for us.

This makes sense but it doesn’t give us much. We are no longer the person we want to be. From this position we can’t be compassionate or generous or fun or real. If our partner does come looking for us, we are hard to find. 

I call this cycle “The Vortex”  If you are going to act like that, I have no choice but to act like this. Your negative feeds my negative. I push you away since I am hurt that you weren’t there for me.

In marriage there are only three dance steps.

We pursue… with fear or anger.

We withdraw…with fear or hurt.

We stand… with love and patience and commitment.

If we pursue, we chase them away. If we withdraw, we abandon them. If we stand…we offer them a way back to us.

Just for today, consider taking a stand for the relationships that matter in your life.

Just hear them. Just consider that no matter how scary and nasty it feels, deep down there is still something else, something worth fighting for.

“Being heard is so close to being loved, that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”  David Augsburger

Before fighting to be heard, give it a few days of your best listening.

Maureen