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When Love Becomes Dangerous

The Day One Crisis Hotline for domestic violence victims is 1-866-223-1111 https://www.thehotline.org

I have to talk about domestic abuse. Please don’t look away. Don’t decide this one isn’t about you. 

PAY ATTENTION 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner contact sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking SEVERE abuse…not just abuse.  Every woman I know has been touched by intimate violence either in her own life, her family or her close friends…even if she doesn’t know it. 

Over Thanksgiving weekend there were 2 horrible stories of murder in my community. One got very little attention. Maybe because the other had more victims. Maybe because the victim was black. Here are two stories. 

This is about Raven Grant who left a 2 year old. This is about Kjersten and William and Nelson Schladetzky who I met a few times and who is deeply connected to my community. 

I don’t know what really happened in either of these cases and no one can put together the clues in a way where it makes sense that someone ending a relationship can lead to someone ending a life. 

Let’s back up a long way and look at what it means when you are in a relationship with someone you are afraid of. First the obligatory “not all men”.  There is abuse in the LGBQT community. There is abuse in the poly community. There is intimate partner abuse by women. And this is still mostly an issue of what men do to their wives. Not all men. Margaret Atwood said that men worry about women laughing at them while women worry about men killing them. Not a level playing field. 

I get it. Relationships are messy. Attachment relationships trigger huge emotional reactions especially if we feel threatened with abandonment and criticism. Our deepest fears and insecurity and past relationship wounds are easily triggered. Most of us look like assholes when we fight. We say mean things, we lose our tempers, we sulk and pout. So when is it dangerous? When is it abuse? When is it time to throw in the towel? Goddamn it I wish I knew. 

This week has been hard for me. So many women came to my office asking if it were time to leave or if they should have left years ago or what is the price of staying? Since my own divorce I have questioned my “pro-marriage” stance as a marriage counselor. I want to help people take their marriages to the next level, heal the wounds, address the struggles. I do not want to encourage people to stay in toxic situations. 

Is it time to leave when your partner lies about their drinking again? 

Is it better to put up with your partner’s rage and have your kids watch or leave and know your kids will be alone with them a great deal more? 

Is it ok to just be tired of being ignored?

I’ve bailed out his spending, gambling, job loss again. When does it stop? 

Is it emotional abuse to be blamed for everything but then blocked on all possible solutions? 

Do I have to listen to my partner’s rants for hours in order to be “supportive”?

What if I’m not afraid he’ll hurt me but afraid he’ll hurt himself? Or if he says he can’t live without me? 

When I talk about leaving he says “Good luck!” They’re his kids, it’s his house, says no one else would have me. 

If I am staying for him or for them then how do I know if it is really better this way when everyone is so miserable?

I feel so alone- I’ve stopped even talking about how unhappy I am. Everyone is sick of hearing about it. 

How can I talk about my needs when everything I say is used against me later? 

I can’t take the insults and swearing anymore but isn’t that just how people fight? 

Is my relationship making me a worse mom, worse person? 

Does any of that ring true? Are you wondering if you should go or if you should ask for help or if you have done enough? As a friend and as a therapist here’s what I know. 

  • You don’t owe anyone an explanation. If you are in a toxic place please seek safety. 
  • Divorce does not destroy families. Abuse destroys families. 
  •  There is a huge difference between being afraid of getting your feelings hurt and being afraid that something terrible could happen.
  • Walking on eggshells kills intimacy.
  • Toxic relationships and gaslighting can make you doubt your gut. Find someone to help you get your bearings. 
  • Abuse is abuse. If you know that you think you are being broken down by this relationship please take that seriously.

Email me. Maureen@marriagegeek.com   I love playing therapist matchmaker. If you just want to run something by me, I can do that too. 

Maureen