Tell Me/ Show Me You Love Me
My love language is “words of affirmation”. I love love love to be appreciated. This is why being a therapist is so good. This week I was nominated for the Best of the Twin Cities Birth and Baby award. Ironically I remember the meeting when we created this award and I thought it was kind of silly. I still think it is kind of silly but it does get people more invested in promoting our event…see, I am doing it now… and who doesn’t like to be nominated? Go vote because I love you all and then come back and let me tell you why I also think “love languages” are silly and kind of work.
The 5 Love Languages is Gary Chapman’s ground-breaking, best-selling self-help book that has become a series of books-Love Languages for teens, men, kids, singles, etc.
Ok-I admit it, his work makes me super jealous. The idea is pretty basic- we need to consider that people speak a different “love language” than we do and we can’t keep loving them the way we speak love, we must learn to speak in their language. Couples do find the easy assessment and typing helpful. Want to see what yours? Take the quiz.
Word of Affirmation- tell me in words know much you love and appreciate me.
Acts of Service- do nice things for me, help me out to show me your love and appreciation.
Receiving Gifts- get to the point, show me some token of your love and appreciation.
Quality Time- come home, sit on the couch, slow down- it takes time for me to feel loved and appreciated.
Physical Touch- this sometimes means hugs and kisses, a lot of times it means sex, but love and appreciation looks like physical connection.
Of course some of these come more naturally to us. Maybe your family was a hugging family, maybe you just love touching people, maybe you love being helpful and doing stuff or picking up sweet little gifts or you give compliments with ease. Chapman says we often give what we want to receive. I am not great at gifts, and am trying to be a better hugger but I rock at saying nice things to people…. I turned my ability to express my care through words into a profession through my writing and my therapy.
It isn’t rocket science but why is loving, being loved, feeling secure so freaking hard? Sometimes we burn bright and love well and our partner can’t miss it. Sometimes we get distracted and overwhelmed and lost in our own stuff and the warmth is more subtle. Think of it this way- in summer we don’t worry about how to get enough daylight and then in winter it gets nearly impossible to get enough. When our relationship is solid and we feel secure, we absorb gifts and touch and words and help and time and it all works. When our relationship struggles, the things we suck at getting even harder and the things we’re good at start looking like old habits.
I don’t think love languages are traits. I believe we need all of the things in some way. I want to hear you tell me you love and appreciate me and if you love me of course you will help me with all the stuff I need to get done and gifts aren’t a huge deal but don’t forget something nice for my birthday. What relationship could ever survive without enough time and enough touch?
When we’re hungry for connection it starts to be painful to be locked out. We notice most when our partner is trying- pushing themselves to do the hard things, the things we have told them we need. Relationships become painful when we take for granted that our partner somehow just knows. Try a new language this week or revisit some of the things that used to be a great way to get your point across. See what happens when you up you game.
Maureen
In the world of affirmation, I also got this lovely thank you. A writer shared her experience healing her birth trauma through my workshop and book.