Love Versus Safety

This is the dilemma that is marriage.  We want to be loved and connected and appreciated and lusted after and cared for but we also want to be safe.  We don’t want to get our feelings hurt, don’t want to be ignored, neglected, scolded, criticized, misunderstood or rejected. And we can’t have both.  There are no safe seats on the marriage ride. It is scary and vulnerable. Being loved means getting naked with someone. Being real means having someone know your junk.  Trusting means being let down.

Partnering invites someone into your heart, into your family, into your bed. Partnering creates something new, something valuable,  something reliable, something we are terrified will be snatched away When we create attachment, we begin to rely on it, the way we rely on gravity or oxygen.  When the person we love is harsh with us or unhappy or withdrawn we begin to adapt without being aware of the costs. We give up ourselves, our self esteem suffers, we ask less, we shut down our capacity to love and feel so that we hurt less. We make decisions that feel protective which in fact only increases our suffering.  We try to win the game that is marriage by controlling our risk. And it doesn’t work.

Instead, fight for the ride to be worth the risk. Be real, be whole, get naked.  Push and fight and demand love, connection, lust, and passion. Bring your whole self fully to the table.  Have more faith in what there is to gain.

What do we really have to lose?  I think on some level, in the end your life is measured by your capacity to love. When I play a small game, I love nice people who are good to me and easy to love.  When I take on growth and personal development it means taking on loving what feels unlovable, loving where it is hard. This has required me to learn not just to love someone with hugs and kisses but to love them with honesty and accountability and toughness, to ask more of them, to want them to be their best as well.

Did you ever hear the one about the Minnesota guy who loved his wife so much he almost told her?

This week, tell the person you love one hard thing.  If you are good at the hearts and hugs love, then try on the accountability and tough kind… but go love someone because what else is there to do with your one grand life?

Maureen