Strangely- I have winter on the brain

Totally loving Minnesota this week. I can’t believe how fast leaves have filled in all the brown space and how quickly my freckles can pop. We did Open Streets in Mpls last weekend and my sister and I both topped our record- over 20,000 steps.

And yet- I have lived through many, many long MN winters and I wonder how we make it through each year. Bill Doherty has long been my “marriage friendly” guru. This quote means a lot to me.

“I now think about marriage like I think about living in my home state of Minnesota. You move into marriage in the springtime of hope, but eventually arrive at the Minnesota winter, with its cold and darkness. Many of us are tempted to give up and move south at this point, not realizing that maybe we’ve hit a rough spot in a marriage that’s actually above average. The problem with giving up, of course, is that our next marriage will enter it own winter at some point. So do we keep moving on, or do we make our stand now- with this person, in this season? ?That’s the moral, existential question we face when our marriage is in trouble.”

How do we plan for the darkness on the warmest days? I don’t promise couples that I can “fix” their marriages so that there won’t be winters. I think instead of getting through the rough stretches with less damage, with less suffering and being in great shape when the clouds part and things warm up, as they always do.

Here are some tips for managing if your marriage is currently covered with snow.

• Stay warm. Be kind. Do no harm. If you can’t be nice at least always be respectful.
• Watch Netflix, read a book, bake. Make the best of the time to be your best self, try and  make yourself happy and give your partner permission to find their best stuff too.
• Take a vacation. Almost everyone’s relationship looks a hell of a lot better on vacation. Even if you can only get one night in a hotel, it might be enough to remind you of who they, and you really are.
• Don’t take it too personally. Neither the Universe nor your partner are necessarily trying to destroy you.
• Remember this too shall pass. Look back at the good times and begin to imagine the future great ones.
• Stop cursing the darkness. Light a damned candle.

If your relationship is in the cold, dark of a winter season it actually isn’t because the planet has tilted on its’ axis…it is because you forgot to tend it. There are reasons relationships cool- kids and stress might be the top two. Maybe your partner forgot first. Maybe your partner forgot more than you did or worse than you did but that is cursing the darkness. Find some forgiveness or compassion or faith. If you want to be in a healthy relationship maybe at least throw a log on the ashes and see what happens.