Sorry- Love is Messy
At the core of my professional and my personal life is the belief that all relationships are fueled by a powerful, biologically programed desire for connection. The reason I never run out of work is that the path to connection looks easy and then makes us come unglued.
Everyone walks down the aisle fairly confident that love will prevail. No one is prepared for how brutal it feels when the person you love lets you down, disagrees with you or hurts your feelings. When you promised to love, honor and cherish you never anticipated the nasty things you would say or how mean you could be.
Becoming a parent looks challenging but doable. How hard can a baby be, right? Lots of people you know have done it so you can ask them for advice. And there are books, experts who can answer your questions. No one can prepare you for how fierce that love will feel. No one can explain how one 30 lb toddler can bring you to tears over a broken banana. As a new parent it seems obvious that you would choose to parent peacefully and never use violence on a tiny person you adore. And then they throw their food on the floor…again…and again…and again.
We are driven by two primitive needs- to be loved fully for who we are and to have our gift of love be accepted fully. We know our kids, our partners, our parents love us. And yet disagreements, criticism and anger can rip your heart out. It is hard to trust love unless it is pretty and calm.
The science of attachment has taught us that life is easiest when you are able to develop a secure attachment style for relating to love. Secure attachment allows us to be confident and stable inside of doubt and hurt. It allows us to apologize and reconnect after injury.. It allows for deep disagreements and difference of opinion. It allows for conflict and isn’t always pretty. In order to be fully ourselves and love others as they are, we have to bump into each other’s rough spots, our deepest fears, our humanity.
We build trust in our ability to love deeply and be loved securely through the messy stuff. We learn that it is there underneath it all, that it is the sun that is always shining somewhere even in the dark of night, in the cold of winter. The love is there.
This week I hit my 2015 goal of 2000 followers on FB. This feeds my need to feel loved and connected to the larger world. Just like in my personal relationships- my measure of success is having influence. I want to feel helpful. I want to feel like my efforts make a difference to the world. Each “like” means my heart stretches.