Fighting for Connection- Minnesota Style
Minnesota nice is the stereotypical behavior of people born and raised in Minnesota to be courteous, reserved, and mild-mannered.
I love Minnesota- born and raised here and this week I can’t even hate the weather. I not only specialize in relationship counseling, but after 15 years I now specialize in Minnesotan relationship counseling. If a couple comes into my office yelling at each other and outwardly angry I usually open with “So, where are you from?” Minnesotans do not actually fight- not in public. Where my colleagues around the world strive to de-escalate conflict, I actually have to escalate it.
I’m fine, it’s not a big deal, don’t worry about it… are often bold faced lies. When you are upset, people who love you know it, even if you say “I’m fine”. When someone asks you what’s the matter or what’s up or why you’re acting like an ass it means that they want some personal information- like thoughts and feelings. That is called intimacy.
Did you hear the one about the Minnesota man who loved his wife so much he almost told her? Yeah… but we wouldn’t want it to go to her head. And you can’t just go around gushing that feeling stuff. This cold tundra was settled by people wrapped pretty tight.
Feelings are whispered and minimized and shrugged off. This can make it particularly difficult when emotions are supposed to help us navigate our desires in life. You have to pay very close attention if you want to actually know if you are making your partner ecstatic or furious…because it kind of looks the same.
Conflict and confrontation are messy and unpredictable. Once people have settled into marriage/mortgage/kids/retirement accounts stuff there is no energy budgeted for chaos. “Honey, we need to talk” might disrupt the whole carefully balanced system. Predictability and stability are good. Peace at all cost. Do not upset the apple cart…which I guess means don’t make a big messes.
No matter how rough things are, they can always get worse. Minnesotans don’t like to be disappointed so we expect the worse. Talking about things might not go well. Telling your partner how you feel might open things up for them tell you how they feel…and then you will feel terrible. Your partner might not understand or agree or appreciate the enormous risk you are taking telling them something. Therefore…suck it up.
Telling someone that they have in some way hurt you can be hard. Many of us were raised that our feelings had to be appropriate, calm, polite, justified, fair, unintrusive, and make sense. Given that you are likely only going to make things worse, it becomes nearly impossible for any topic to be worth discussing.
Ok- let’s admit it, Minnesota Nice only works until it does- when you blow a gasket and say EVERYTHING, no holding back. Years of irrational, messy, hurtful crap leads to a fight that doesn’t feel good- doesn’t seem worth it. And so the cycle continues, not going to do that again… until you do.
- This week notice- are you MN Nice? Is your partner? How are you raising the kids? How’s it working?
- Catch yourself- if you minimize or discount or settle or let it go or drop it…maybe come back and take one brave step. Say “Hey, can I tell you something?”… step into more.
- Schedule time to have a not totally comfortable discussion- talk about money or sex or disappointments or needs. I promise, it will be messy…but if you start picking more small fights, you get better at them.
- Check out my workshop Good Fighting in the Land of Ole and Lena on Tuesday February 21st.
Maureen