Do You Have Ugly Money Fights?
Couple’s fight about money. Solving that problem would solve all my money problems but fighting about money will likely follow us to our future very expensive nursing homes.
Couples fight about money because money is about justice and care and having a voice and feeling secure. We fight because we’re hurt and scared and we fight because our parents fought about money. Here are a few classic money fights.
Financial insecurity– if our income doesn’t meet our basic needs it is hard to feel secure and relationally this brings up all sorts of expectations and fears often based on our family of origin story and our gender orientation. What did “not having enough” mean in your family? Who got blamed? What did it do to your childhood security? Were you raised to believe you were responsible for the family economics or were you raised that your income was “extra”?
The Plan- set some small baby step goals towards what would feel more secure for each of you. Security isn’t very logical so if each of you needs very different things to feel more secure work equally towards meeting those goals for your emotional as well as financial well being.
Financial Infidelity– People lie about money to their partner. A lot. People get credit cards, borrow money, sell stuff, claim things are lost or a gift. People sneak things into the house. People open post office boxes to get their mail somewhere else. Just like kids, mostly people lie because they don’t want to disappoint the people who love them. They don’t want to get the look or hear about it or feel stupid. In relationships where conflict is dangerous lying might be necessary. Sadly lots of couples just don’t fight well- maybe at times abusively but mostly ineffectively. If you can’t come to some agreement and deal with mistakes, money goes underground.
The Plan- Secrets aren’t helping your marriage. Peace at any cost isn’t buying you what you wanted. If you can’t get honest, get help. This is the most destructive kind of money problem and causes enormous stress.
Financial Injustice– People use money to get even, to hurt each other. We use money to prove our power and to prove our independence and because we find it impossible to say “I can’t afford that”. Some people bounce checks to McDonalds at the end of the month while others buy a boat or even a present for their partner that breaks the bank. Some people smoke to prove that “you’re not the boss of me” while others spend tons of money on the kids- because that doesn’t count, right? This is not the same as messing up, this is FU.
The Plan- This one isn’t really about money, is it? If you are so pissed off, if you want to make your partner mad, if you just don’t care… maybe we need to have a different talk. Talk about how you ended up so pissed. Talk about how money turned into a weapon in your relationship. If your partner is being an ass… tell them to stop. Tell them to stop now. Hold your ground and consider what it means if they don’t respect that limit.
Financial Anti-planning– I don’t think I have ever met a couple who had actually had a functioning planned budget. I hear lots of people thinking that they need a budget. I know lots of couples fight about not having a budget. I don’t think people need a budget but they do need a plan. How much do we make and how do we want to spend that money and what is our plan for unexpected expenses? That is a plan. Maybe plan A and plan B. Most couples fight because they don’t have a plan. They fight because one person wants a vacation or a new couch or a second car and the other person shuts them down with – “We can’t afford that.” Or they fight because the kids needed new shoes. How many shoes do kids need and how much do we spend on shoes? That’s a plan. Groceries. Lots of the couples I know swear they spend most of their income at the grocery store but how do you know if you are spending some magical “right” amount of money on groceries? And Target. How much do most people spend on Target and do we really need all of that?
The Plan- rather than having a fight, schedule a meeting. Look at what you spend and what you make and make a plan. Hint- back to school is coming up…again. And it always costs more for supplies and shoes and backpacks and clothes than anyone ever plans for. So get a plan. Learn to make agreements. Your money is a direct reflection of your true values- whether you like it or not, especially to your kids. Are you proud of the way your money flows through your fingers?
What does being great about money look like? It looks like partnership- we’re in this together. We understand and negotiate both of our needs/feelings about money equally. We have a plan and work towards it and know that money is messy and hard…like everything else that matters in marriage. When we partner about money, money becomes a powerful tool we use effectively. Money is going to be an ongoing conversation through the life of your marriage. I challenge you to pick this fight. Go deeper, ask for help, take it to a higher level. The first step- forward this piece to your partner and say “I want us to do better.”
Maureen