More Stuff I Wish Men Knew…about Themselves

Brene Brown said- “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”

This got me thinking about my favorite topic- how to be more helpful to men, who don’t like therapy, who don’t like self help or parenting books, who don’t share their struggles easily and who are the ones “dumped” in 80% of divorces.

First of all, shame has gotten a bad rap. We all decided in the 70s that there are no bad feelings, right? So let’s talk about shame. Shame is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” Shame makes us want to hide. We don’t like this feeling of course but it is part of being human. The problem is that parents and religions everywhere figured out a long time ago the power of shame to control people. Want compliance? Want control? A little shame goes a long way. Shaming someone as a means of getting your way is pretty shitty.

Men are biologically more sensitive to shame. From birth they are more easily emotionally flooded. The research says that even in breastfeeding babes, boys look away more quickly, finding the intense connection overwhelming.

Our husbands/partners were boys who were coerced into compliance especially in the area of masculinity. Homophobia was powerful. Raising a son who might be called a sissy was dangerous and toughening boys to face a dangerous world seemed important.

(These things happen for women, especially if you grew up in a highly traditional or religious family. These families often coerce a strong version of femininity- self sacrifice, focus on others, sex/body shaming.)

I see men hungry for recognition, aching for thank yous, appreciation and recognition but unable to ask for or even acknowledge this need.

I see men so reactive to conflict that they can’t handle disagreement. They don’t mention their concerns, don’t pick fights, don’t express their needs in order to keep peace.

I see men for whom criticism or disappointment are kryptonite. They experience their partner’s frustrations as attacks, their unhappiness as failure.

In my office I see men struggle with their worth. They think  they are their paycheck. They value work in a way that I do not think women can ever fully understand.

And shame…shame shuts you down. Shame feels hopeless and universal. If you suck, why try to change, why reach out for help. If you think you suck, you spend all of your energy trying to cover that up and never let anyone know that you suck.

When we walk in the world of men, of boys it is important to walk gently. It is important to notice shame and call it what it is. It is important to help people walk back from the shame cliff where making a mistake means you suck to a healthier, more realistic place where everyone make mistakes and can own their humanity. People that make mistakes have so much room to learn and grow.