Motivation… or How Do You Get Them to be Good?
I saw this great post about motivation- mainly about how money only works on some tasks and doesn’t necessarily motivate us the way we think it does. Check it out…or skip it and let me tell you what I think…
Understanding human motivation is the core of parenting. All this stuff about punishment, consequences, positive reinforcement are attempts to motivate or manipulate kids to get them to do what we believe is right, good, important.
Praise motivates but only until kids feel secure. Kind of like money- if you have enough to get by, it stops being super motivating. If our kids know we love them, know that the world is good and that they don’t have to keep working so hard on pleasing people, they stop being motivated by praise. And this is good. We know that people pleasers don’t actually do great in life. We want people to do what is right, what is powerful, what is best for them, not just try and keep people happy. We know that we want our kids to feel secure in our love, not constantly working to “earn” it. So if your kid is secure…praise is like pennies… not worth the effort to collect.
When people’s basic security needs are met we most want autonomy- to be in charge of our lives, mastery- to get better at stuff, and purpose- to feel like we make a difference. That’s it. The sum of human existence.
Most of us come to the planet or are shaped by our environment to be more motivated by one than the others but this is how we work.
If you can trust this, parenting becomes so much easier. If we can just stay clear of screwing up their internal motivation- kids want to be independent, they want to learn and grow, they want to be valuable and helpful. This is the powerful lesson behind the movement of unschooling- that kids do want to learn, just provide them opportunities.
The mystery of great parenting comes down to helping our kids identify their inner drive and teaching them to respect it by trusting that they do know how to become the people they are meant to be.
Some kids come to the world with a huge drive for autonomy. They hate being babies. They feel trapped by their dependence and enslaved by being parented. It is hard to have your primary drive be autonomy when you can’t even get your own pants on. Great parenting looks like partnership, working together and checking your ego.
Zach, my 11 year old came this way but luckily he was my 3rd and I recognized his passion. Some famous 3 year old Zach quotes- “I can’t believe you won’t even consider letting me drive.” “You could leave me home alone, its not like I would do anything stupid you know” and famously “As soon as I can reach everything, I won’t need parents.” 3 was hell…for all of us. But 11 if fabulous because, although I still won’t let him drive, he does have enormous autonomy and is responsible for his own life. If he needs me I am here but mostly…he would rather do it himself.
Some kids are racehorses who want driven by mastery. They love puzzles, they love getting things right, getting good grades, learning to take things apart or shoot free throws. Some kids tear into reading before they are 5 because they know that there is something powerful in the world or language. They can struggle with perfectionism or frustration because being a kid means that there are a lot of things you suck at. I know people may disagree with me but I think that the best thing about Minecraft is that kids have a powerful sense of mastery in those “worlds”. You get to build and explore and destroy. Great parenting is exposing our kids to lots of opportunities for them to find a place they feel masterful.
Some kids are born with a sense of purpose, of wanting to be important, a generous sense of contribution. They volunteer, they care, they nurture. They see their place in the world and relationships and want to help. They may feel intensely or feel overwhelmed by a sense of powerlessness. Great parenting creates a sense of cooperation and contribution both in the family and in the bigger world.
My middle son Joey is motivated by a very clear his sense of purpose. He loves the experience of being helpful. He enjoys people and has a great sense of doing for others but taking care of himself too. Both my husband and I are just enough damaged by our childhoods to struggle with people pleasing. We want to contribute but have to regularly check our “codependent” tendencies. Interesting to watch how amazing wanting to make a difference can be when you don’t have to work so hard at making everyone happy.
Honoring and respecting your child’s inner motivation takes a great deal of trust. We have to believe that kids are good. We have to believe that our job is not to shape but to support. We have to believe that meeting their basic needs for trust, security and love allows them the launching pad to figure out just who they want to be.