Falling on my A$$

2020 has decided to teach me some tough lessons. On New Year’s Eve, my three kids, my nephew and I went to Vertical Endeavors to go bouldering. (Bouldering is a form of rock climbing that is performed on small rock formations or artificial rock walls without the use of ropes or harnesses. And as VE reminds you every time- Bouldering is inherently dangerous.) I fell off the wall, shattering my ankle. I spent the first 10 days icing my leg to get the swelling down enough to have surgery followed by 10 more days getting the swelling down from the surgery. I am non-weight bearing and unable to drive for at least 6 weeks. 

Here’s what I have learned so far-

I suck at identifying needs. If a need is identified, I suck at asking for those needs to be met. I seem to realize my needs are not being met by bursting into tears when anything goes wrong. I.e. dropped Tupperware, my kindle being downstairs after I made my way upstairs, being out of salsa. 

I am wonderful at creating community. I have the best people. Friends and family have come through in ways I could never have imagined. I.e. showing up when I burst into tears over nothing and reminding me it actually isn’t over nothing. Reminding me that I get to be a mess right now.

I suck at lonely and bored. The emojis for bored and lonely in no way reflect how they occur in my body. I HATE bored. My ADHD brain needs engagement, connection, novelty. 21 hours a day of my leg elevated on ice is horrible…but what else can you do? I want to have a fully healed ankle by spring! 

I am wonderful at mindfulness. I began my meditation practice in high school, transcendental meditation being one of the best things to come out of the 70s. I have mad skills at pain management, thought stopping, staying in the moment. The only way to live through 3 weeks on “house arrest” is one day (and often one hour) at a time. Ok… mindfulness is not always effective at lonely or bored. 

I am proud of my risk taking. I am proud of my mistakes. I would rather be laid up by injury than lack of use. Aging well means taking care of you body but embracing growth and challenge. I am glad I have been active and am committed to getting back on my yoga mat soon. 

I feel stupid about falling off the wall. I hate that I need help and can’t get to work and had to cancel clients and workshops and speaking gigs. I hate disappointing people, letting people down, not being able to be helpful. 

I have a love/hate relationship with vulnerability. I know that humanity- our weaknesses, our nakedness, our needs are the way we connect most deeply. I want to be real with people. I want to share all of myself but wow, I think I like vulnerability that I have control over, vulnerability I choose…which maybe isn’t really all that vulnerable. This month, 2020 is reminding me to ride the roller coaster, take the lessons life throws you. 

Back to workshops and the office this week- dragging my butt up the stairs, asking for rides, needing lots of patience and help.