BEST Parenting Book I have read in years

I found it! This is THE book. I never do this- buy this book. Read this book. Share this book. I wish I had written this book. This book is about babies and teens and homework and feelings and mostly about just how much work we as parents have to do on ourselves.

Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn’t Work…and What Will by Shefali Tsabary.

Now since you haven’t read it I will share a few of my favorite ideas.

“When we teach boundaries empathetically and consistently, the need for discipline evaporates.”   I love this and I love that consistently comes down to being certain in your heart about the limits you are setting.

“…boundaries aren’t established by mere words but are formed at an energy level. How we carry ourselves, how we trust ourselves, who we surround ourselves with, and what we allow speak far more loudly tour our own insistence that our children “respect” us. In other words, boundaries such as politeness, not biting and not hitting are being negotiated from the moment a child comes into our life.”  Sometimes parents say that they are parenting positively when in fact they are parenting permissively- mostly due to their own issues of doubt, or guilt, or fear, or lack of assertiveness that lead our kids to act disrespectfully towards our limits.

In my workshops I often say that I have no idea why parenting makes up lash out, why we only lose it with people we love, why loving can feel so much like hating… and this speaks so powerfully to why we struggle with love and control.  “The patterns of behavior we witness in our childhood become the template for our own parenting.” “Whenever we lose it with our children, it’s because our own pain has resurfaced. Usually this pain originates before age 10, when we felt helpless and out of control in many ways.” “We punish them for making us feel inadequate.”

“Good behavior is behavior that allows a child to feel present, self-expressed and engaged with their own experiences. A child who cries authentically, laughs uncontrollably, dreams relentlessly, creates joyfully, speaks freely and feels deeply is engaged in good behavior.” Wow! What a great reframe- kids who speak their minds, feel big feelings and act in their own best interests are being good. Kids who are complying or shutting down or shutting up? Yeah, that isn’t the good behavior we want to encourage.

I feel a little guilty using mostly Shefali Tsabary’s words but honestly, I haven’t read anything this good in years. I am going to rewrite all of my workshops to integrate this stuff into my work.
If you would love to talk about this book or parenting or are struggling with your parenting- please stop by Saturday January from 11:00- 12:30 at my office in Richfield for my Parenting Genius Bar. 6607 18th Avenue S $10 suggested donation no reservations required. I would love to talk more about how inspired I am.