Are You Parenting on the Same Page?

The metaphor that I use in“Parenting in Partnership” is driving the family minivan.  When we all try to get somewhere- one of us does the driving and the other one is navigating, sleeping, arguing with the kids, on the cell phone… but not driving. Most drivers hate having our driving critiqued. No one wants a “back seat driver”.  My children somehow think yelling “feedback” to me from the backseat is very helpful but they are not drivers.  My partner knows that telling me how to drive is likely to lead to a fight.  I drive my way, take it or leave it.

Parenting together is a lot like this.  Two parents but not two parents in charge at a time.  Well, actually from the feedback I get from parents, the worst fights, worst behavior, worst mom-dad-kid meltdowns occur when in fact both of us are trying to drive at the same time. Being on the same page is more about trusting that both of you know how to drive, both of you agree on the destination and you can let go of the steering wheel and let your partner manage the traffic.

The destination is hardly ever a problem with the clients I see. We want our kids to turn out healthy and loved and responsible.  We want them to become the best people they can be and we try to love and accept who that person is.  But how we get to healthy, loved and respected isn’t clear.  No Mapquest for this.  You have to point the family minivan in some general direction and then hit and miss your way across the terrain.

If your partner is making parenting decisions that you think might not be best for your kid you do get to offer some constructive feedback.  Figuring out how to be a supportive, gentle navigator is often a much tougher job than driving is.

My husband and I have an agreement not to criticise each other’s parenting in front of the kids but we do have a secret code for expressing our concerns.  When I think he isn’t headed in the right direction, I put my hand on his back until he can acknowledge me or tell me to back off.  It simply means- “Here if you need some help”.  That is what he requested.  For me, when I am frustrated and lost and doing stupid, angry, loud parenting I have asked him to offer me a distraction.  If I am locked into a power struggle he usually says “Hey guys, want to see a stupid YouTube video?” That isn’t what most people would want but it really works for me.  They go off for a few minutes, I regroup and I try again.

In my driving analogy it is me letting him know that he might be turning down the wrong way on a one way. For me it is time to pull the car over and switch drivers for a little bit if I am so tired I might drive off the

I’m not giving away more of my best stuff this week- if this is information that might make life more manageable at your house then come to class this Sunday. Being well partnered in your parenting isn’t only good for you kids, it increases the glue between you and has you feel more supported and connected.

This week- watch for you obnoxious backseat driver behavior. Watch for times when both of you are trying to parent on top of each other. See if there are ways you can trust that your partner’s parenting is actually just fine and will get you to your destination safely even if you don’t always get to choose the path.