Pre-Turkey Musings

November is ending, 2019 is ending. Somehow Thanksgiving is sneaking up on me. This weekend I will be cleaning out the fridge, making the lists, deep cleaning. Work life slows a bit- no more speaking gigs or volunteer work or workshops. Even my clients don’t want to shake things up too much over the holidays. It can all wait until January. 

My boys, like lots of kids with divorced parents will eat two turkey dinners and see lots of family. It has been exactly 2 years since we created separate homes for them and they are thriving. (Sometimes they can’t find their shoes…but that’s not a tragedy.)

I always struggle with the “Gratitude” message around November. Of course I get that people who focus on gratitude have less stress and better mental health but when we pressure people to be grateful it often increases shame instead. Sometimes I get sucked into a downward spiral of feeling bad that I feel bad. 

Feelings are not bad or good. I think it is kind of like the weather. I really prefer sunshine over clouds but the world doesn’t work that way. Waking up disappointed that the sun isn’t out or pissed that it snows in Minnesota in winter is a waste of my emotional resources.  When it is sunny, I embrace the sun and when it is crappy out I work with what I’ve got. 

Sometimes I sulk and complain. And that is my choice. I get that cursing the darkness isn’t going to work but a little cursing is good for the soul too. Am I really supposed to wake up every day (especially in November) and spend the day thankful of all I have? Do people do that? My these are lovely socks I have. Isn’t coffee amazing? I am so glad my beautiful children are healthy and determined enough to argue with me again today.

Buddhism, or honestly my personal understanding of Buddhism teaches us to try and notice our feelings without judgement. Suffering is the human condition we are working to resolve. Suffering is that thing that happens when the world doesn’t act the way we think the world should act. 

It snows earlier than we expected. The check bounced. Someone on the internet is wrong. The milk got spilt. The kids didn’t sleep. It helps if I try to remember that I have no idea how the world is supposed to work. Maybe the world works just the way it does. 

Here’s my commitment. I am working on noticing. Mostly noticing how good people are. 

I noticed this week that my kids were bugging me, stalling for bedtime and totally goofing off… together. They were bugging me together. I noticed how close my boys are, how much they share the joy of  making their mother crazy. Just noticing.

I noticed that mostly the people at Target and McDonald’s and the doctor’s office all want to be helpful. They do. They get paid but what makes their day is being helpful…to me. I can’t promise you that I will keep a gratitude journal or post 30 days of things I am thankful for. I suck at gratitude. I want things to be better. I have high expectations and mostly focus on what isn’t going right. But I promise, I am working on noticing. Mostly I am working on noticing what I always forget to notice- that people are amazing and I’ve got it pretty great.