Our Brains Love Presence…not just presents.
Interpersonal Neurobiology
I discovered Dan Siegel’s work in “Parenting from the Inside Out”. He also wrote “No Drama Discipline” and “The Whole Brain Child” and I am currently reading “The Mindful Therapist”. All amazing. He is a psychiatrist and a pioneer in the field of interpersonal neurobiology which connects brain development to learning, mental health and relationships. I thought I would take the next couple of blogs and walk through a quick overview of his work on the deep power of connection. (Quotes are all from The Mindful Therapist.)
Dan likes acronyms. PART Presence, Attunement, Resonance, and Trust. The keys to connection. When we connect effectively with someone, we turn on their social engagement system. Engagement allows parents to both impact and learn from their kids, partners to build something between them and therapists to create a healing alliance. Our brains are designed for relational influence, learning, and growth.
Presence- choosing an open minded, accepting state stance with those we care about.
Attunement– focusing on the internal state of the people we care about, rather than the just their behaviors.
Resonance- allowing ourselves to be shaped and influenced by our experience of those we love.
Trust– mutual resonance allows shaping and responding to the person we care about while knowing that we are also shaping them.
Presence- Be Here Now
So if you want to people to accept your influence and deepen your connection with them, first be present. Consider that you know both too much and too little about being present. This isn’t just put down your phone or pay attention.
Why do we want to build a better presence muscle? Being present increases the probability of experiencing something new, learning something, seeing things differently. When we are present we get a full picture of other people and their experiences and the situation at hand. Our best stuff, our strongest connection and our wisest choices come from being present.
How do we build the muscle of presence? It is the actively chosen stand of being curious and accepting and loving. You likely float in and out of being present. “Hold on, let me listen fully with an open mind”.
This week pick one person to exercise your presence muscle with.
Check your fears. Bring your faith in that person.
Check your distraction. Bring your commitment to that person.
Check your prejudism steals our presence. Bring your curiosity about who that person is.
Check your shame, Bring your certainty that you are good for that person.
That’s it for now. Just slow down a bit, listen fully, accept with warmth and believe in the deep power of connection.
Maureen