My Age of Pumpkins Has Passed

I hope you and yours survived Halloween. I am still struggling with my new reality- life where no one goes trick or treating and we don’t even have a pumpkin. After decades of life revolving around my children, I am a tiny bit lost.

Fall is the season of letting go. We drop our leaves and go dark so that we can move to the next stage. This week my therapist offered that maybe I just don’t handle transitions well. My life is a grand adventure with lots of opportunities and cross roads and disappointments and struggles… which means I am a hot mess. I keep a crystal ball in my office as a symbol of how much we all wish we could foresee the future. After a 20 year relationship and 35 years of making my kids first, I am (not so) bravely going it solo while watching my role as mother dramatically change. For so long, each year moved gracefully into the next. I could predict that 3rd graders became 4th graders. MEA led to Halloween led to the Twin Cities Birth and Baby Expo led to the holiday season. Now I am off roading, traveling without a map. (And yes, my blogging has become more less than predictable.)

After mentioning that stupid thing about me and transitions, my therapist also pointed out that when listening to my gut, I might want to remember that my first instinct is almost always to run, to avoid pain. I might want to stand still long enough to find the voice that hungers for growth and deep connection. Therapists think they are so smart.

As my kids move toward adulthood, I am working on another version of me. The one who isn’t all about family and always everyone else first. Someone bold. Someone certain of her needs, in touch with her feelings. 

This is my current daily meditation- “My Decree of Self-Ownership for my Lovers”  

“If I am hurt, mad, ecstatic, hungry, if I want something, you will know. I have too much to do to waste time on being an elusive mystery. That woman is just not that sexy to me.”

As we settle in for a dark winter, may you find your path to new adventures. May you be brave and bold and speak your own truth.