Report cards, conferences, emails from the teacher and other things to freak out about….

T’is the season when we start hearing from our kids’ teachers- whether it is your first preschool conference in the teeny tiny chairs or your meeting with your kid’s high school adviser about college plans. I just want to remind you to check yourself. This is not about you. This is not an evaluation of either your parenting nor your genetics. This is not designed to make you feel bad…or good for that matter. You are not being blamed or credited with your child’s behavior or performance.

Parents are the primary teachers in your child’s life. This is simply part of the ongoing conversation where a teacher gives you some feedback. It is not “the whole truth and nothing but the truth”. It is biased and incomplete. It might come on a teacher’s best day or her worst. I like to assume that it is intended to be supportive of our mutual goals to be good teachers to this kid.

When you get their report card, and it is theirs let them open it and read it and tell you how they feel. Maybe they feel proud, maybe they are disappointed. Remind them either way that this is not who they are but it might be helpful feedback.

When you sit down to have a conversation about your kid at conferences, and these days most conferences include your kid because teachers get this…it is about them not about us, mostly listen. Listen for who your kid is with this person. Listen for information that is new, that doesn’t fit what you already think you know about your kid. Ask questions. Teachers are smart, helpful people who know a lot more kids this age than you ever will. Let them teach you a thing or two. Say thank you.

When you get that note from school that your little darling did something noteworthy…and not in a good way try not to freak out. It is a note. The purpose of a note is to convey information that the teacher believes you should know. It is not a judgement. It is not a request for you to fix your sucky kid. It is not a dictate to punish. It is a note. After reading the note is common practice to have a conversation with your child about the topic of the note. This looks like “your teacher says you had a rough day today. What’s up?” Proceed from there. At some time in the future the teacher might want more from you or might have a concern about your child that requires more than a note but for now let’s just figure she just wants you to know what’s going on. If you would like more communication with the teacher, notes apparently work both ways.

We have to be a better team. The schools are getting some pretty confusing messages about what we want. Some of us push for more recess while others want more school days. Some want better test scores when others want fewer tests. We try not to blame the teachers while we know they are trying not to blame the parents. We can have our kid’s back without ignoring their shortcomings. We can be pro kid without being anti teacher.

You don’t get to decide who your kid is. You don’t get to control their values, how they live their life or what they grow up to be. This includes their health, their education, their politics, their temperament. They might not grow up to be generous or thankful or confident or heaven help us they might not even grow up to be happy. That’s on them. They might be average. They might be lead lives of quiet desperation. They might even blame you for it and spend years in therapy trying to get you out of their psyche. That too is on them.

Here’s our job as parents

• Love deeply.
• Hold them accountable.
• Set a great example.
• Make mistakes and clean them up.
• Forgive quickly.
• Keep trying.

That should keep you busy for awhile…good luck! If you want to get get a better grade maybe check out Amazing Marriage 101 this weekend.

Maureen